


This Could be the End of Everything

by rainbowchristy



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, First Year!Dan Howell, Homophobia, Honours Student!Phil Lester, Internalized Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:29:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 37,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27100495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainbowchristy/pseuds/rainbowchristy
Summary: Dan’s finally starting university, the phase of his life he’s been waiting for since he was a small child. His first real chance at freedom, away from his parents. Unfortunately, the universe has other plans for him.Prompt: au where dan and phil are college students who get separated when they're sent home bc of coronavirus. potential dan isn't out to his parents angst + general ldr angst + fluffy reunion when they get back to campus and everything is over pls
Relationships: Chris Kendall/PJ Liguori, Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 46
Kudos: 35
Collections: Phandom Writers Discord 2020 Fall Exchange





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [counting2fifteen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/counting2fifteen/gifts).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is for [lou (counting2fifteen)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/counting2fifteen/pseuds/counting2fifteen) as part of the Phandom Writers Discord Fall (totally should be Autumn) exchange!
> 
> TW: References to homophobia, internalised homophobia. As always, please tell me if I miss something!

Dan sighs, lifting his suitcase out of the crack it’d fallen into. It’s a crappy piece of plastic that’s probably going to break if it gets hit one more time. Dan really hopes it doesn’t bust open. He does _not_ need that today. His day is already one of the worst he’s ever had.

He had to wake up early to catch his train. But of course, he didn’t pack beforehand. So he did that and ran — actually ran — to the train station. He made it in time, but only just. He took a seat after putting his bags on the rack above him. He was hot and sweaty and the sun wasn’t even up yet it was that early.

“Hello,” the assistant greets him. She’s surrounded by papers and has a board of keys on hooks. “What’s your name?”

“Daniel James Howell.”

She nods and licks her fingers to flick through the papers easier. “Aha!” she says, pulling out one of the papers.

“Bachelor of law?”

Dan sighs. “Yep, that’s me.”

She laughs. “Good luck. You’ll need it.” Dan nods, smiling nervously. “Right, your dorm. Okay, we’ve got you in room 204. Rooms are labelled by level and room number. So room 204 is room four on level two.”

Dan nods. “Okay, thank you.” He accepts the key from her and tucks it into his pocket.

“The resistant assistants will host a meeting sometime in the next week to introduce you and the other newbies to the rules and costumes of dorm life. And we have a little booklet thought to help you settle in.”

Dan accepts the book, which is small in size but clearly has many pages. “Thanks.”

She nods. “Let me know if you need anything. Or find someone else in an orange shirt.”

“Okay.” Dan pulls his suitcases along towards the staircase before sighing. He’ll have to do this in multiple trips. There’s no way it’s happening in one. He pushes the handle of the nearly-broken bag down before grabbing the little strap attached to it.

“Need some help?” someone behind him asks. He turns around and sees a man about his age. He has big glasses on and bright blue eyes. He’s wearing a green plaid shirt and dark blue trackies. Dan can tell pretty much instantly that he’s already moved in. His outfit is not one for travel, that’s for sure.

He blushes a little and looks at his bags. “Uh, yeah, thanks.”

The man smiles and reaches for one of the suitcases. “The name’s Phil, by the way.”

“I’m Dan,” he replies. He pulls a second backpack onto his shoulder, so each has one of his shoulders, before grabbing the remaining suitcase.

“What floor?”

“Two.”

They arrive on the second floor and Dan pulls out his key to check again what number he has. He doesn’t want to walk into the wrong room and start off on the wrong foot with his dorm mates. He’s heard stories about mistakes in week one causing nicknames that last entire degrees, if not longer.

“204.”

“What?”

“I’m in room 204.”

Phil smiles. “Huh,” he says. “We’re roommates.”

“Oh, that’s kinda cool.”

“They don’t usually pair first-years with honours students. They must be extra short on rooms.”

“You’re an honours student?”

“Yep. And I assume you’re a freshman, judging from your overall demeanour?”

Dan looks down at himself. “It’s not that obvious.”

Phil laughs. “It is. But it’s okay. There’s plenty of freshmen.” They arrive at the room and Phil unlocks the door, pushing it open. “Welcome home.”

“Wow, it looks so cozy,” Dan says sarcastically.

There are two beds, one in each corner, and two desks opposite them. There’s a window at the end with no curtain or blind.

“You get used to it,” Phil says, putting the suitcase on the unmade bed.

“So why are you still in dorms? Don’t most people move out as soon as they can?”

“Yeah, but my scholarship gives me a full ride, including dorm housing. Why would I pay for some shitty apartment when I get to stay in this shitty room for free?”

Dan nods. “Fair enough.”

“So where are your parents? Most people get the whole embarrassing send-off.”

He sighs. “I’m not most people,” Dan says, pausing. “I’m from down south and my parents didn’t want to come all the way up, so I came alone.”

“Oh. Well, would you like some help unpacking?”

Dan smiles. “Sure, thanks.” Dan points him to the not-broken suitcase, knowing it held his electronics and textbooks. He starts working through his backpack.

“It’s a little quiet,” Phil says after a few minutes. He pulls out his phone. “What kind of music do you like?”

Dan looks down, embarrassed. “Um, I guess, like, rock,” he says, voice rising in the end as if it’s a question.

“Do you know Muse?”

Dan looks up and smiles. “They’re only the best band ever!”

“Agreed,” Phil says excitedly, pressing his screen a few more times before Origin of Symmetry starts playing. He sets his phone down on the bedside table and gets back to work, quietly humming along with the music.

“So what degree are you doing?” Dan asks, trying to make conversation. Sure, there’s music now, but it’s still awkward to work in silence with a stranger.

“Photography and digital media. What about you?”

“Law.”

Phil pulls a face. “Good luck. I’ve got a friend doing law and she’s always complaining about how much reading there is.”

“Ugh, God, of _course_ there’s lots of reading.”

Phil laughs. “I’m sure it’s not too bad if it’s what you’re interested in it. I just couldn’t imagine anything worse.”

Dan sighs. “But I’m _not_ interested in it,” he says. “My dad said I should do something respectable while I decide what I want to do.”

Phil frowns. “Oh.” He pauses. “Well hey, don’t feel bad. We can stay up studying together. My friends and I are often up late since honours classes actually kick ass.”

Dan smiles. “Thanks.”

They return to working in silence, just listening to the Muse songs through Phil’s crappy phone speaker.

~~~~

Dan doesn’t end up having much time to settle in. He moved in on a Tuesday, and classes start the following Monday. He originally planned to move in the week prior but chickened out the night before. He knew how important first impressions were and he didn’t want to mess it up.

He sighs, glaring at his time table some more. His Thursday lecture starts at 5:30 pm and ends an hour and a half later. Right over dinner time. He tries to be positive, thinking maybe he’ll make some friends to get dinner with before or after class. He also knows that isn’t likely due to how socially awkward he is.

“Hi! I’m Mary. What’s your name?” a short girl asks, holding out her hand for him to shake.

“Uhh,” he says, accepting her hand. “I’m Dan.”

“Lovely to meet you, Dan. Do you mind if I sit here?” she asks, pointing to the seat beside him. Dan shrugs and she happily takes a seat, turning to the girl two seats away and asking what her name is.

Class starts and the teacher, Anette, explains the ice-breaker they’re going to do. They have to stand, say their name and course, a hobby they enjoy and a bad habit they wish they didn’t have. Dan hates the idea as soon as he hears it.

“Who would like to go first?” Anette asks, looking around the room. Mary’s arm shoots up right away and Anette smiles. “I don’t usually get many offers. Go ahead.”

“My name’s Mary and I’m studying social work. I like horse riding and a habit I’m working to stop is I’m too trusting.” She flounces as she sits back down, clearly happy with her answer.

Anette nods. “Would you like to pick someone to go next?”

“Dan.”

Dan groans, because of course, he happens to introduce himself to the one extrovert in the classroom who is apparently also a sadist. He stands up anyway.

“I’m Dan and I’m doing a law degree. I like listening to music, I guess? And I bite my nails.” He sits back into his chair and leans back, glad the torture is over.

“Pick someone.”

“I don’t know anyone,” he says.

Anette laughs. “Right, of course. Um, how about…” she says, looking at the roll on her computer. “Leo. Is he here?”

A groan comes from the other end of the room and Dan chuckles silently at the poor soul that is Leo.

Class ends after a little while and Dan packs up his stuff. He has another class in an hour and knows there’s no point going back to his dorm.

“Hi! Wanna get lunch with us?” Mary asks. There’s another girl with her. She’s taller and slimmer — not that Mary is overweight by any means.

“Oh, uh, sure. I’ve got an hour to fill.”

“I’m April,” the other girl says and Dan nods.

“Dan.”

“Mary,” Mary adds happily.

“So, where did you wanna get lunch?”

~~~~

“I’m hosting a pizza night with some friends. Did you wanna join us?” Phil offers, wrapping his headphones around his phone and shoving it in his pocket.

Dan rubs his eyes. They’re sore from staring at his screen for so long.

“Sure; I could use a break.”

Phil smiles. “Great! I’ll let them know.”

It doesn’t take long to be spotted once they head down to the cafeteria.

“Hey Phil!” someone calls. Dan looks over to them and sees two guys and a girl.

“Hey!” Phil says in reply, heading over to the table. Dan follows him and smiles at the others. “This is Dan. Dan, this is Pj, Chris and Louise,” he says, gesturing to each one as he says their name.

“Hiya, Dan,” Chris says, waving.

“Lovely to meet you,” Louise adds.

“Yeah, you too.”

Dan and Phil take the two free seats at the table and Phil starts talking with his friends. They’re talking about thesis stuff which Dan doesn’t understand. He’s in his first week at uni and Phil and his friends were in one of their last.

“Oh my god, there was this really cute guy at the coffee shop yesterday,” Chris says excitedly. “I got his number for you.” Dan notices he’s looking at Phil, who coughs.

“Why?”

“Uh, I don’t know. Maybe because you’re always complaining about being lonely?”

“I do not!”

Louise smiles and pats his hand. “You kinda do, sweets.”

Dan, who’s admittedly kinda slow, connects the dots. “Wait, you’re gay?” he says, slightly too loud, grabbing the attention of a few others.

“Hm? Oh, yeah.”

“But— like,” he says, trying to process his thoughts. “They let gay kids share dorms?” he settles on.

Phil chokes on his drink and hits his chest to clear it.

“Why would they?” he asks with a laugh.

“Because they might, like, you know…”

“Fuck?” Christ interrupts to supply.

Dan blushes. “Yeah! That!”

Phil starts laughing way too hard and Pj chuckles. Louise simply watches and Chris is grinning like a madman.

“Dan. We’re adults. They really don’t care.”

“But—”

“Oy!” Chris suddenly says, causing Dan to look at him. He looks kinda pissed, which scares Dan, not that he’d admit it out loud. “Are you a homophobe or something?”

Dan’s eyes widen and he instantly shakes his head. “No, not at all. I swear. I just, I don’t know, didn’t think they’d let a gay kid share a room.”

Pj laughs again. “They probably wouldn’t if we were younger, to be fair. But we’re adults Dan. We aren’t little children who need protecting from the gays because god forbid they’d convert you.”

“I never thought that!” Dan says, trying to defend himself.

Phil’s still laughing, which makes Dan embarrassed. It’s not that funny, is it?

“It’s okay, Dan,” Phil stutters out, getting a hold of himself. “It’s just funny how much of a prude you are.”

“I’m not—”

“You’re 18, aren’t you?”

Dan nods slowly, as if this is a trap.

“Most 18-year-olds are horny fucks. It’s hilarious you get flustered at the mention of it.”

“I did not get flustered!” Dan says, crossing his arms and pouting.

“He’s just teasing, Dan,” Louise informs, patting his arm from across the table.

Dan decides he likes her. She seems like the mother of the group, like she keeps them all out of trouble.

“Anyway,” Chris says finally. “Do you want his number?”

Phil glares at him. “I’m not going to answer that question.”

“Fair enough. Of course you do. Why did I even ask?”

Chris tosses the piece of paper onto the table and Phil slowly takes it, despite still glaring at Chris. Once it’s in his bag, he sticks his tongue out at Chris, causing him to wink and Pj to hit him.

“Do not flirt with him or I swear I’ll spank you so hard,” Pj warns jokingly.

Dan sputters at the words while Louise and Phil both shout, “Keep us out of it!” at the exact same time. Then Pj sticks his own tongue out at the two of them, making Chris laugh.

~~~~

“Oh god,” a voice comes from inside Dan’s dorm room.

He’s just gotten back from a late class that ends at nine o’clock. He’s ready to get changed and fall right into bed.

After lunch with Phil and his friends, things pretty much returned to normal. Dan worried that night that he’d get some awful nickname for his reaction but he’s hung them a few more times since it happened and no nickname has surfaced yet.

“Shh,” another voice from inside says.

Normally, Dan would realise what’s going on behind the door to his room. But, as he’s exhausted and not in his normal mindset, he doesn’t really think much of it.

He opens the door and sees Phil in his boxers on top of another boy – also in his boxers but thankfully a t-shirt as well.

“Shit,” Phil says, whipping his head around to see who the intruder is.

Dan blushes at the sight and looks down instantly, raising his hand to block them from his peripheral vision.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t realise you were, well, busy,” Dan says, already starting to close the door. “Just, uh, come get me when you’re done.”

Dan slams the door as fast as he can and huffs out a breath. He’s only been at uni for nine days and he’s already established himself as a prude and now has also walked in on his gay roommate in a rather, well, gay position.

He shakes his head, trying to get the image out of his mind, and turns to go to the common area.

Most people are still awake at this point so the common room is loud and crowded. “Excuse me,” he says, pushing past some people to get to the cooler. He knew the guy who owned it and he really didn’t care when stuff was taken, as long as it was replaced within a couple days.

He grabs an ice cream and takes a seat. The tv is showing a football match that doesn’t interest Dan at all. There are a few others watching it with rapt attention though, so he can’t just pick up the remote and change it.

He grabs his phone, which is low on battery, and decides to just check his emails and the subject forums to pass the time.

By the time he finishes his ice cream, he’s read through all the forum posts to find nothing new or interesting. His phone’s on less than ten per cent so he switches the screen off and puts it in his pocket.

“Uh, hey,” someone says behind him. He turns to see Phil.

“Oh thank god. Football’s boring and I didn’t want to have to watch it.”

Phil laughs. “Yeah.” He rubs the back of the neck. “Thanks, for, uh, like, leaving?”

“It’s not like I wanted to walk in and see that. I definitely wasn’t going to stay,” Dan says, laughing awkwardly. When he gets a better look at Phil, he notices his hair is rather mussed and his clothes have more wrinkles than they usually do.

“Yeah— no— that’s not what I meant.”

“I know. Thanks for coming to get me.” Dan yawns and smiles.

“Tired?” Phil asks, starting to walk back upstairs with Dan.

“Exhausted. I hate night classes.”

Phil laughs. “I don’t have any this semester.”

“Lucky. I hope I never have them again.”

Phil hums. “You probably will.”

They arrive at their dorm room and Phil pushes it open after putting the key in. Dan instantly notices that it smells different and he scrunches his nose at that.

“So, uh, goodnight, Dan,” Phil says, rubbing his neck again as he takes a seat on his bed.

“Yeah, goodnight,” Dan mumbles, already half asleep.

He’s too lazy to change his clothes now after having been up another hour. He’ll have to get dressed again in the morning. Why bother changing when he can kill two birds with one stone?

Phil turns off the light once he’s in bed and then they’re plunged into darkness. Dan closes his eyes and rolls onto his side, ready for the sleep he’s been craving since he woke up that morning.

It doesn’t come, though. He tries everything. Different positions, listening to music, everything. And nothing works.

He pulls his earpods out and chucked them on the bedside table, not really wanting to strangle himself in his sleep. He focuses on what he’s hearing and notices Phil’s steady breathing. He must be asleep. Good for him.

Dan lets his mind wander, thinking it might make him tired. He thinks about the classes he had that day, and the assignment due in two weeks. It doesn’t take long for his thoughts to trail to the evening’s events.

It isn’t that Dan’s disgusted by Phil kissing in their room. It’s just… weird. The idea of Phil making out with another guy, it’s weird. _Not because they’re both guys_ , Dan thinks to himself. He nods as if that would solidify that it isn’t weird because Phil’s a guy and the person he was kissing was a guy. It’s just Phil making out with someone in general.

 _You just want him for yourself, don’t you?_ a voice sneers in Dan’s head.

Well, it’s not a ‘voice’, it’s his own thoughts, he knows that. But he always feels better objectifying it so that it isn’t a part of him.

 _No, I don’t. That’s wrong,_ he thinks back at the voice. He spares a second to realise he’s basically having an argument with himself in his head.

_Sure. You’re a little fairy, aren’t you, Danny?_

_No, I’m not. I’m straight._

_Why are you thinking about Phil macking on another dude then, hm?_

_I’m not._

Dan tries to push down the thoughts. He rolls over onto his side and closes his eyes, desperate to fall asleep now. He doesn’t want to freak out over himself again. He’s done it plenty before. His mum liked to call them crises, which Dan guesses is pretty fitting for how he acts during them.

 _Fairy_ , the voice sings.

“Shut up,” Dan hisses out loud. “I’m going to sleep. Fuck off.”

The voice listens and Dan thanks his mind for that small win. He sighs and rolls back onto his back, ready for the sleep he could feel coming.

Just as he’s about to, though, he has another, rather abrupt, thought.

He sits up quickly, eyes wide.

_I’m gay._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lemme know what you think and come say hi on [Tumblr](https://rainbowchristy.tumblr.com/)!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you go! A little late because uni is literally kicking my ass this week.
> 
> TW: References to homophobia, internalised homophobia, illness, hospitals.

In the morning, all Dan wants is to be away from Phil so he doesn’t have to remember what happened. It was so awkward, so _embarrassing_ , to see his new roommate in that position.

So he does that. He wakes up before Phil, thankfully. He grabs a change of clothes so he can shower. He packs his backpack for the day and leaves the room. He keeps his old clothes in his bag. He doesn’t want to go back into that room for a little while. That was where Phil did, well, _it_.

Dan heads for the showers, only to see one of his dorm-mates is a towel and blow-drying his hair.

 _Queer_ , the voice in Dan’s head whispers. Dan looks away and heads for the only free shower.

It’s not until he’s under the water that he realises what was off about that whole interaction (if it could be called that).

See, the thing is, Dan’s ‘voice’ is usually gone by the time Dan wakes up. It comes out at night, when Dan’s thinking about what happened during the day. It attacks when he’s most vulnerable.

But this morning, Dan’s not vulnerable. He’s fine. No, he’s great. Dan thinks it’s maybe a fluke, as the voice doesn’t come back.

Once Dan catches himself staring at the back of someone’s head in a lecture theatre, a head that he quickly realises belongs to a man, the voice comes back. It wakes up and starts sneering words at him. Words like ‘queer’ and ‘fag’.

Dan’s not sure why. It isn’t like he deliberately stared at this random guy’s head. He’d just zoned out. But the voice doesn’t care, nor does it piss off like Dan tells it to multiple times throughout the day.

Mary invites him to a party she’s hosting after the lecture. Dan originally plans to say no. That he isn’t keen to go out and get drunk. That his parents have told him how bad alcohol is. But then he realises, his parents aren’t here. He can do whatever he wants.

So he does.

After making sure Phil’s not in their room, he changes his clothes into something more party-appropriate and heads out.

He doesn’t really remember getting drunk. He remembers arriving and being handed a drink within seconds. He remembers having that drink, and not understanding why his parents are so against alcohol. It’s great, he feels completely calm and he doesn’t even get flushed thinking about the prior night.

The next thing he remembers though, is waking up on Mary’s bedroom floor with a killer headache. He’s leaning against the wardrobe and after his eyes focus, he can see April and some other people sprawled across the floor.

That makes Dan feel better. Waking up in her room, he had thought that maybe he and Mary had done the do. Dan’s glad they hadn’t, or at least from what he can tell they hadn’t. He’d never done that before, and he would actually like to remember it when he finds the right person. _The right girl_ , he thinks, correcting his previous thought.

 _You’re a little queer_ , the voice in his head hisses again. Dan hasn’t missed it. He remembers that the voice hadn’t been around after his first drink. And that was nice. Dan thought that maybe after that it wouldn’t come back. But clearly this morning has disproved that theory.

He groans. His head is throbbing and he feels like he’s going to puke. He stands, using the dresser’s draw handles to help himself up. He looks at the minefield of bodies between him and the door and sighs, silently hoping there are no more out in the hallway.

He very carefully makes his way to the door, successfully avoiding the infinite limbs on the floor.

Once he’s in the bathroom, he splashes his face. He looks into the mirror and instantly notices the world-record-worthy eyebags. He doesn’t pay them any mind. Instead, he heads for the toilet to relieve himself before looking for the kitchen.

An hour later, he’s on his way to class. The sun’s too bright, so he’s wearing sunglasses. Some of the second and third years look at him with pity when they notice. He doesn’t doubt they’ve been in the same situation as him.

It’s a few days later when he makes the connection. He’s lying on his friend’s couch since he can’t be in his dorm at night – nothing to do with Phil, he tells himself. He’s thinking about his day and his life, as he always does at night.

When he realises, he’s not even that surprised. Maybe it’s the voice that’s been hanging around, or maybe not. Either way, he realises it wasn’t uncomfortable seeing Phil and that boy. It was jealousy. _Jealousy._ Dan doesn’t get jealous. He’s got no one to be jealous of.

Still, the lack of surprise doesn’t stop his heart from hammering in his chest. He _can’t_ be gay. Sure, he knows there’s nothing wrong with it. But not for him. His dad would never accept him. Hell, Dan would never accept himself.

~~~~

Phil’s worried. He hasn’t seen Dan since the night he walked in on Phil and Kallan. Of course, he saw him after the whole thing, when he collected Dan from the common room. And he’d seen him before he went to sleep.

But in the morning, Dan’s missing. At first, he thinks Dan probably just has an early class. Phil doesn’t know Dan’s exact schedule yet, they’ve only been roommates for a week, after all. So Phil’s not even worried when he hasn’t seen Dan by lunchtime. Nor by dinner time.

It’s only when it gets to his bedtime — around 1 am — that he starts to worry. He doesn’t think much of it, though. He remembers how many nights he used to spend out, getting wasted with friends, especially in first year.

Besides, Phil knows Dan’s a bit of a prude. He’s probably just embarrassed from walking in on Phil. It’s not like they were even doing anything by that point. It was just a heated make-out session.

Still, Phil supposes it’s a pretty awkward thing. It would make sense if Dan wanted a day where he didn’t have to see Phil and be reminded of what Phil had done last night.

But that was almost a week ago now. And Phil still hasn’t seen Dan.

Phil’s worried, to say the least.

When he voices that worry to Chris, his friend only laughs at him as he explains why he’s worried. Meaning as he explains what Dan walked in on.

Phil frowns, upset at how non-serious Chris is taking this. And he’s about to say as much, when Chris stands up on the table they’re sat at and clears his throat.

“Has anyone here seen Dan? He’s about so high, straight brown hair, brown eyes, pale as fuck.”

People laugh before slowly nodding.

“I saw him in class like, an hour ago. I don’t know where he went after,” one of the freshmen says, shrugging.

Chris smiles. “Thank you,” he tells the girl. He turns to Phil. “Problem solved.”

Phil’s considerably more relaxed now that he knows Dan’s still around and doing things. He’s not sure why he was so worried. They’d only known each other for two weeks, one of those involving Dan completely avoiding Phil.

At least, that’s what he has to conclude. Dan’s been to class, but he hasn’t been to their dorm room. Because he knows Phil could be there.

“Seriously, he’s probably just out getting drunk every night to get the image of you fucking Kallan out of his mind.”

Phil slaps his arm. “We were not fucking, Chris. I told you that.”

Chris laughs. “Not yet. But seriously, to Dan-the-prude, is there really a difference?”

Phil sighs. “I suppose not.”

“Just wait it out. We know how uncomfortable couches are. He’ll come running back to his bed soon enough,” Chris says, trying to comfort Phil.

“We also know couches are probably just as comfortable, if not more so, than the dorm beds.”

Chris barks out a laugh. “If that ain’t the truth, I don’t know what is.”

Phil rubs his face before yawning.

“Tired?” Chris asks.

Phil nods. “Haven’t been sleeping well.”

Chris smiles and Phil can tell he’s back to his teasing self. “Someone worried?”

He pushes him. “Fuck off.”

Chris actually does. He has a class in ten minutes so excuses himself and says he’ll talk to him later. Phil agrees and heads for his dorm. He’s got a short essay to write due by the end of the week and he’s already been procrastinating it since Monday… three days ago.

What he isn’t expecting is to unlock his dorm room door and see Dan sitting at his desk, earpods in and blasting Muse.

He hasn’t heard Phil come in, judging by the lack of reaction from the younger boy.

Phil closes the door and walks up behind Dan. He grabs the headphone cords and pulls them out, causing Dan to jump.

His eyes are wide when he turns his head, and they go even wider when he sees it’s Phil.

Phil doesn’t say anything, just taking a small step back so he isn’t in Dan’s personal space.

Dan, though, takes the opportunity and stands up, quickly sliding everything on his desk into his backpack.

Phil sees him visibly gulp and spare a glance for Phil. He’s not sure what Dan’s up to, but he’s awfully skittish which makes Phil feel guilty for essentially jump scaring him.

“You can’t ignore me forever,” Phil says as Dan pulls the backpack on and he realises what the younger is doing.

“You wanna bet?” he retorts. He opens his mouth to speak again but closes it, clearly deciding it’s better to just leave.

Phil’s not giving up that easily, though. He rushes over to the door and blocks the exit.

Dan’s less than unimpressed by this. And Phil would feel bad, but right now, he’s just annoyed. And Phil doesn’t get annoyed. Ever.

It’s just— Dan’s been ignoring him all week and Phil has no idea what he’s done. Sure, it was awkward when Dan walked in on him. But that was a week ago. He’s over it and he thinks Dan should be too.

Dan’s not looking at him. He’s got his eyes downcast and his hands wrapped around his backpack straps. He’s rubbing his thumb over the padded fabric, clearly as a nervous habit. 

Phil thinks it’s cute, before he realises what his brain said. He blushes a little before remembering what’s happening here, making him annoyed again.

“Jesus,” he says, to no reply. “Dan, just look at me!” he shouts.

And Dan looks up. It’s not what Phil expected though. Dan’s completely still. And Phil feels his breath catch in his throat.

Suddenly it’s just them. Nothing else matters anymore. Not Chris and his teasing. Not his essay due the day after next. And definitely not Kallan.

Dan swallows and Phil watches the action before liking his lips subconsciously. His and Dan’s eyes meet, and Phil looks from one eye to the other, trying to see if there’s something there.

He can’t tell, so he does the next best thing. He slowly starts leaning in. Very slowly. Slow enough for Dan to pull back if he doesn’t want this.

He doesn’t, though. Pull away, that is. Dan stays completely still and Phil’s lips meet his for the first time.

It’s nothing more than a peck, and that’s okay. It’s more than okay, actually. It’s perfect.

That is, until the moment’s broken.

Phil pulls back and opens his eyes. Dan reaches up to touch his lips. And he seems to realise what just happened. His eyes widen, and he looks at Phil, clearly scared, before staring at his feet again.

He wastes no time pushing Phil out of the way and giggling the door handle in a desperate attempt to get it open.

“Dan,” Phil starts, trying to find words to apologise.

The door squeaks open and Dan exits the room wordlessly.

“Dan!” Phil calls. “Get back here!” he tries, but Dan doesn’t listen. “Dan!”

Dan speeds up and before Phil’s eyes, he disappears down the stairs and out of sight.

Phil sighs. He’s not going to chase the boy. He clearly just needs some time to himself. Phil remembers when he realised he was gay and how much he’d panicked internally.

He had dreaded telling his parents. He used to be so scared they’d abandon him. Of course, they would never do that. Phil knows that now. Sure, he still hasn’t told them. There’s always that fear. But Phil knows they’ll be fully supportive. He knows Martin enjoys the occasional gay joke. He knows that’s how Martin shows his support for Phil’s community (not that he knows it’s Phil’s community).

Dan might not have the supports in place like Phil. So he knows Dan likely needs some time to think things through. Phil will wait for him. Now that Dan’s talked to him, even if it was just a few words, he shouldn’t hide away again.

Phil thinks he might, before correcting himself. Dan only did that because he was embarrassed. Phil just did something more embarrassing, _kissing_ him. So Dan obviously has no reason to be ashamed anymore.

He’ll be back. Phil knows he will be.

~~~~

Dan doesn’t come back, much to Phil’s worry.

It’s a day and a half later and Phil’s sitting with Chris and Pj. He’s just submitted his mini-essay and he’s explaining to the two boyfriends what happened with Dan.

Chris is his usual teasing self. Pj’s a little more helpful. He suggests Phil alerts campus security after Chris asks if anyone has seen him… again. No one has this time though, which only makes Phil more worried.

“Come with me?” he asks, giving Pj puppy eyes.

“‘Course,” Pj agrees. He smiles at Chris and kisses his cheek.

“Enjoy your lecture, babe,” he tells him.

“Good luck!” Phil says as well.

Chris laughs. “I will try my best not to die.”

They separate then. Pj takes Phil’s hand — because they’re good friends who can do that without it being weird — and they head for the admin office.

“How may I help you?” the lady sitting at the reception desk asks.

“I’d like to report a missing person.”

She nods and types some things into her computer before nodding again.

“Just take a seat. Sam will be out shortly.”

The boys nod and do as she says. Sam, a short but stocky man, comes to collect them a few minutes later.

“So, what seems to be the problem here?” he says after introducing himself. Phil and Pj take their seats as he asks.

“My roommate is missing. We had a big, um, argument, I guess, on Thursday afternoon. And he ran out and I haven’t seen him since. Neither has anyone else in our dorm block.”

Sam nods. “Okay, what’s your name and dorm block and room number?”

“Block C, room 204.”

There’s a pause while he types on his keyboard.

“Daniel Howell?” he asks.

Phil shrugs. “He goes by Dan,” he provides. He’s not sure if Dan’s short for Daniel, or what his last name is. But he can assume Daniel Howell is his missing roommate.

“You’re Philip Michael Lester, right?”

Phil nods.

Sam chuckles. “Then your roommate is Daniel James Howell.”

He nods again. After Sam asks, he explains when he last saw Dan, and what happened – well, a somewhat similar story of what happened. Sam says he’ll alert the officers to keep an eye out for him. And he says that if Dan’s not back by the end of tomorrow, then he’ll alert the police for them. He makes it very clear that if they find out anything, to let him know. And that if Dan shows up, that they need to alert him so he doesn’t contact the police for a no-longer-missing person.

They agree to do all this and thank him as they shake his hand, before heading out and heading to the café nearby.

~~~~

Phil isn’t expecting it, but when he returns to his dorm room, Dan’s there. Phil quickly realises that it’s not as good as it seems, though.

Dan’s asleep on his bed, which isn’t particularly unsettling. But when Phil walks up to him, with the plan to wake him up, Dan opens his eyes. Clearly, he either wasn’t asleep when Phil came in, or he is very easily awoken.

“Jesus, Dan,” Phil breaths in shock.

Dan looks, well, miserable. He’s clearly sick. But Phil’s not sure what illness causes something like this.

He’s shivering, for starters, even though the dorms are always slightly too warm to be comfortable. And he’s clearly feeling the heat, if the sweat beading on his forehead means anything. His eyes are super puffy and watery too. Plus he’s covered in snot, which is not only concerning, but extremely gross.

“Hi,” Dan whispers quietly. Phil hears the wheeze in his voice and takes a step back when Dan starts coughing violently.

“Where have you been?”

Dan looks at him as if he’s crazy. “What do you mean?” he coughs out, eyes watering even more.

Phil shakes his head. “We’ll talk later. I’ll take you to A&E.”

“No, I’m fine,” Dan says.

Phil laughs, though it’s more from fear than anything actually funny.

“Sure, Dan,” he says, shaking his head again for good measure. “Come on,” he adds.

He steps up to Dan’s bed and pulls the blankets away so Dan can get up. He whines, but Phil doesn’t listen.

“Can you even get up?” Phil asks, worried.

Dan nods and coughs. “I’m sorry,” he says so quietly Phil almost doesn’t hear him.

He does though. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”

Dan tries to stand up but Phil notices his arms wobbling. He’s clearly weak and exhausted. And Phil doesn’t like the sound of his wheezing or his cough.

“I’m just gonna carry you, okay?”

Dan shakes his head quickly. He then reaches for his head with a wince, which causes him to fall onto the bed since his one arm isn’t strong enough to hold him up.

“Well you’re not getting a choice,” Phil decides. “I’m carrying you,” he adds, just so Dan knows exactly what’s about to happen.

Phil wraps one arm around his back and ignores the feel of Dan’s fabric clinging to his arm. He hooks his other arm under Dan’s knees and picks him up bridal style.

“Can you grab the door please?” Phil asks awkwardly as he realises he has no way to open the door.

Luckily, Dan’s got enough strength to pull the automatically-closing door enough for Phil to stick his foot through it.

They get plenty of looks on the way to Phil’s car. Worried people. Curious people. Mostly curious, he decides. People have a morbid fascination with the macabre, and Dan looks like he’s practically on his deathbed.

Once they get to A&E, nurses guide him to a room almost straight away. Phil gently lays him on the bed and steps back.

Doctors swarm him, checking his vitals and calling for a nurse to grab a cooling blanket. They even hook him up to an IV and put a mask on him to help his breathing.

After they’re satisfied with his treatment, they leave him be. One doctor stays behind though to talk to Phil.

He introduces himself as Dr Miral.

“Could you give me his name please,” he says first. After Phil answers, Dr Miral writes the answer down.

“And his date of birth?”

“I don’t know, sorry.”

He shakes his head. “No worries, son. May I ask, what’s your name? And your relationship to the patient.”

“I’m Phil Lester, and I’m his roommate at Manchester University.”

“Right. Well, do you know of anyone we should contact? Any family?”

“His parents live down south, I don’t know where. I don’t have their numbers either.”

“No worries. We’ll see if we can find him in the database.”

Phil nods and the man pats him on the shoulder before turning to leave.

“Excuse me,” Phil says quickly before he can leave. “Um, is he gonna be okay?”

Dr Miral smiles. “I can’t discuss his condition with non-family without verbal permission from the patient or next-of-kin. Though I can say he’s going to be just fine.”

Phil lets out a breath and nods.

“Thank you,” he says. The doctor nods and leaves.

Phil takes a seat, not really sure what to do. Sure, he could just go back to the dorms. But that feels mean. Dan doesn’t have any family up north, at least from what Phil knows. So he decides to stay and wait for Dan’s results to come back.

Dan’s still asleep when the results come back. Dr Miral asks Phil to press the nurse call button when he wakes up, and Phil agrees.

Once Dan’s awake, they learn what’s wrong. Dan’s asked if he’s comfortable with Phil being there, to which he nods. After that, Dr Miral informs them that Dan has pneumonia. It’s not a weak case, but it’s not the worst he’s seen.

He prescribes Dan some antibiotics to be injected through his IV and says that Dan will be feeling “good as new” in a few days time.

“You scared me,” Phil says with a chuckle.

Dr Miral’s been gone for twenty minutes or so and Dan says he’s already feeling the effects of the drugs.

“I didn’t mean to, I was scared,” he says. Phil’s pretty sure he wouldn’t be saying this if it wasn’t for the drugs. From the, admittedly few, interactions he’s had with Dan, he can tell Dan’s not one for verbalising his emotions.

Still, Phil looks down guiltily.

“I’m sorry.”

“What for?” Dan sounds genuinely confused. Phil’s not sure if that means what he did wasn’t that bad, or if it was so bad that it’d be crazy to ask for forgiveness.

“For kissing you.”

Dan laughs and smiles, which makes Phil feel less scared.

“Don’t.”

“But—”

“I liked it,” Dan says quietly. He then looks into Phil’s eyes. “I like you.”

Phil’s eyes widened. He’s not sure how he’s supposed to react to that. He never thought Dan could like him.

“Oh,” he says, because he doesn’t know what else to say.

It’s clearly the wrong thing though, as Dan immediately looks away. “I’m sorry. I know it’s wrong. I’m trying to stop it.”

Phil’s heart pangs and he’s not sure what to say. Dan says he’s not homophobic, but what else could thinking being gay is wrong mean.

“I don’t care what you say. It’s not wrong for me to be gay,” he decides to say. He’s not going to let Dan berate him for his sexuality. He’s had enough of that he’s whole life and he’s now got enough self-confidence to stand up for himself.

Dan quickly shakes his head and Phil realises means that wasn’t what he meant.

“I know that. You can be gay. Anyone can be gay, I don’t care. Just— Just _I_ can’t be gay.”

Phil tilts his head in confusion.

“Why not?”

“Because— I just can’t be gay. My Dad would never let me. _I_ would never let me. It’s— it’s wrong for me to be gay. It’s fine for you, but not for me, okay?”

Phil nods, because he thinks he understands.

“Internalised homophobia.”

Dan’s eyes widen and he lifts his hand to pull the facemask off.

“I’m not a homophobe,” he says.

Phil smiles sadly. “You are. Just not to other people. Only to yourself.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

“I used to be like you,” Phil explains. “My whole life, everyone at my school made gay jokes. I was taught it was wrong. But one of my friends came out to me in high school. And I realised it was fine for others to be gay before I realised it was fine for me to be gay too. I rejected it for a long time, years, really. But last year, I accepted it finally. I came out to my friends, two of which are gay, as you know. They were all supportive, of course. I think it’s then that I realised people don’t really care as much as it seems like they will. I don’t mean that in a ‘I don’t care about you’ kind of way. I mean in a ‘that doesn’t bother me’ way.”

Phil realises he started rambling a little and reaches up to rub the back of his neck. “Anyway,” he says awkwardly.

Dan smiles but Phil can see the internal pain he’s trying to hide.

“I like you,” he whispers.

Phil smiles kindly. “And that’s okay, Dan. It really is.”

~~~~

Dan comes home five days later. And by home, Phil means their shared dorm room.

He’s tired and sleeping a lot. He’s been given clearance to miss classes for the week while he finishes recovering, which is very helpful. All he has to do is try and keep up with the work he’s missed before he falls too far behind.

When Phil enters their dorm room, Dan’s in his bed with his laptop resting on his chest. He smiles at Phil when he sees him and pulls one of his earpods out.

“How was class?” he asks.

Phil shrugs. “Alright. We just sit in silence working on our theses, so it’s never very exciting.”

Dan nods and goes back to watching whatever is on his laptop. Phil unpacks his bag and plugs his laptop and phone in so they can charge.

“What have you been up to?” Phil asks as he hangs his coat over the back of his chair.

It’s a cold day, even though they’re more than a month into Spring now. It’s dreary. There’s no rain, but the sky is covered in grey clouds that look ready to open up at any minute. They’ve looked like that all day though, and there’s still not a single drop.

“Nothing,” Dan says quickly, closing his laptop.

Phil’s sceptical but chooses not to say anything about it. Dan and him have been on better terms since Phil took him to the hospital. And Phil really wants to keep it that way.

So he nods instead, and takes a seat at his desk to get some more work done.

He looks over when he notices Dan looking at him out of the corner of his eye. He laughs awkwardly.

“Can I help you?”

Dan blushes and looks away. “Sorry.”

Phil shakes his head. “It’s okay, don’t worry about it.” He glances at his laptop and pauses. “Did— Did you want to talk about something?”

Dan shivers a little, but this time it’s okay. The dorms are a little chilly, somehow. Though after Dan answers, Phil’s not sure if the shiver was one caused by the cold weather.

“How did you know you were gay?”

Phil, who’s sitting at his desk with his laptop open, closes it and moves to his bed.

“I think I always knew. I’ve never found girls attractive. My friends used to always talk about boobs and butts and I just never really cared. Well, not when the butt belonged to a girl. Guys can have pretty cute asses.” Phil pauses to laugh.

Dan joined in but only with his nose.

“Anyway, I think I really knew when I saw a really— sorry,” he says, having to stop so he could laugh at how awkward it was to discuss who he thought was attractive. “I saw a probably surfer dude, like, full six-pack, tan, muscly, you know the type. Anyway, he had a girl on his arm who’s probably, like, 100% attractive to any straight guy. Most of my friends were probably thinking something like ‘I wanna be him’, but my brain decided to say ‘I wanna kiss him’.”

Dan blushes and looks away. Phil chooses to ignore it and power on.

“Anyway, I did like a double-take and kinda realised at that moment what it meant that I’d never found girls attractive before. I don’t know. It’s probably not the most exciting story for realising your sexuality, but it’s mine.”

Phil watches Dan as he starts picking at a hangnail.

“I did that,” he says quietly, though it’s clear Phil’s meant to hear it.

“You did what?”

“Saw two people kissing and wanted to be one of them.”

Phil opens his mouth to say ‘oh’ or something else equally unhelpful, but he doesn’t get a chance, as Dan looks up into his eyes.

“You and that guy were those two people.” Dan looks away again. “I wanted to be him. I— I wanted to kiss you.”

Phil’s not entirely sure he’s surprised. Dan said he liked Phil when they were at the hospital and even though he was drugged up, that doesn’t mean he would have been less honest.

Either way, he’s flattered that Dan’s saying it completely drug-free.

“I wanted to kiss you too,” Phil says, blushing a little. “I still do.”

Phil watches Dan blink back tears.

“Me too,” he says, before shaking his head quickly. “But I can’t.”

“Why not?” Phil asks, challenging.

Dan swallows hard. “Because I can’t be gay. I can’t be. I— I know it’s okay, but it’s not for me. Anyone else can be gay. But not me. I can’t, I _can’t_.”

“You know you can fancy boys without being gay, right?”

Dan tilts his head in confusion and Phil smiles what he hopes is an encouraging smile.

He begins to explain what bisexuality is. And then pansexuality. And every other sexuality he knows of. He explains that he’s sure he’s missed some, as new ones are always forming, but that the one’s he’s explained are the main – or at least long-lasting – ones.

After a few minutes of silence, Phil clears his throat.

“Do you know what you think you might be?”

Dan shakes his head. “I’m sleepy,” he says instead.

 _Sleepy isn’t a sexuality_ , Phil thinks, before chuckling at his own thought.

“You’re still recovering and this is a big topic. That makes sense. I’ll let you get some sleep.”

Dan looks away and Phil notices the seemingly ever-present blush on his cheeks.

Phil ignores it and stands up. He takes Dan’s laptop slowly and places it on his bedside, placing Dan’s earpods on top afterwards. He’s about to take the blanket and tuck it up under Dan’s chin when he grabs Phil’s wrist.

He’s not looking at him, but Phil waits patiently anyway.

“Cuddle?” he asks, almost too quiet for Phil to hear.

“Sorry?” Phil asks, needing clarification. He thinks he heard Dan correctly, but even if he did, what does that single word mean without context.

Dan shakes his head, though not to dismiss Phil.

“I want to cuddle,” he whispers.

“Oh,” Phil says, before quickly correcting himself. “We can do that.”

Dan moves over to the side of the bed against the wall and pats the space next to him. After Phil climbs in, he pulls the blanket up around them. Dan shuffles back over, and wraps his arms around Phil’s middle, snuggling his head into the older’s chest. Phil gently puts his arm around Dan’s upper back and holds him close.

“Get some sleep,” he says, and Dan hums.

It doesn’t take long for Dan to fall asleep. And Phil is about to follow, before he remembers he made plans with his friends for dinner. He reaches for his phone, which is luckily just within reach.

_5:07 pm – To Chris: Gotta skip tonight, soz._

_5:10 pm – From Chris: No stress. What’s up?_

_5:11 pm – To Chris: Dan wanted cuddles ^.^_

_5:13 pm – From Chris: You get that boy_ 😉

_5:13 pm – To Chris: It’s not like that!_

_5:14 pm – From Chris: Whatever, Peej owns me 10 bucks now._

_5:15 pm – To Chris: I’m going to ignore that._

Phil’s about to put his phone down when he sees how adorable Dan looks asleep. He can’t help it as he switches to the camera app. He takes a photo of Dan, and then one of them together. He’ll ask Dan in the morning if it’s okay. He can always delete them if it’s not.

He closes his eyes and it doesn’t take long for him to follow Dan into dreamland. Dan’s in his dreams, though he’s not entirely surprised. Dan’s been in his dreams a lot lately.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There probably won’t be a chapter on Monday, because this one’s so late. So next chapter on Thursday, promise!
> 
> Come say hi on [Tumblr](https://rainbowchristy.tumblr.com/)!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: References to homophobia, references to internalised homophobia, references to coronavirus.

“Morning,” Dan says, voice rough with sleep.

He’s rubbing his eyes with his fists, which Phil thinks is just too adorable. Phil quickly wipes the sleep out of his own eyes and checks his phone for the time. It’s just past eight o’clock.

“Morning,” Phil mimics, smiling at Dan. He smiles back before pushing on his bed to sit up.

He seems to look around for a little, almost as if he can’t work out where he is, before his eyes land on Phil. He looks down seconds later, and Phil sees him blushing.

“I’m sorry,” Dan says, reaching out to link his fingers with Phil. It’s probably a grounding thing.

“You have nothing to be sorry for. I enjoyed it.” Phil lifts their linked hands and kisses Dan’s before lowering them again back onto his knee.

“But—”

“No ‘but’s, Dan. It’s okay, you’re allowed to cuddle with boys. There’s nothing wrong with it.”

Phil watches as Dan’s eyes seem to search his. Phil doesn’t doubt he’s looking for any hint that he’s lying. Dan almost certainly wants to see something — anything — to grab onto, to tell him being gay is wrong, to help him keep the status quo. Phil knows he won’t find what he’s after, though.

“I don’t want to cuddle with boys. I want to cuddle with you,” Dan decides to say, making Phil chuckle. He runs his free han through his hair, getting it off his face.

“I am a boy, Dan.”

“I know that!” Dan says, giggling.

He lies back down, resting his cheek on Phil’s chest.

“I can hear your heartbeat,” he says.

Phil smiles. “At least you know I’m not a vampire.”

“You’re too warm to be a vampire.”

Phil doesn’t want to, but he knows they have to talk about this. About what they are.

“Dan,” he says, hating to disturb the boy.

He seems to sense something in Phil’s tone as he sits up, looking worried.

“We need to talk about this.”

Dan shakes his head. “No we don’t.”

Phil sighs. “Dan.”

“What?”

Phil doesn’t answer, simply raising his eyebrows at him.

“I know friends don’t normally cuddle. I’m sorry. We don’t have to.”

“That’s true. Friends don’t usually cuddle. But that doesn’t mean I want to stop.”

Dan tilts his head. “I don’t understand.”

Phil smiles and shakes his head a little, chuckling. “I was thinking maybe you’d like to go out sometime? If you’d let me, as your boyfriend.”

He watches Dan’s eyes widen and he almost wishes he could take those words and shove them back into his mouth. Dan is a first year and Phil’s writing his thesis. What on Earth made him think Dan would want him?

Dan blinks a few times before opening his mouth. He sighs though, and closes it again, before reopening it.

“I want to,” he says.

Phil doesn’t interrupt, he has a feeling there’s a ‘but’ on it’s way.

“But,” he says, “I can’t have a boyfriend. My dad would never let me.”

“Dan, I want to ask you something.”

Dan hums, so Phil continues.

“Why does your dad get a say in who you love? It’s not his life, you deserve to be happy and to love who you love and to be loved in return.”

Phil sees tears in Dan’s eyes, and he’s not sure what he said to cause a reaction that’s that emotional.

“I’d love to be your boyfriend,” he says, before the tears escape and he’s full-on crying.

Phil pulls his hand from Dan’s and places both of his against Dan’s cheeks, wiping his tears away. He pulls Dan forward a little and kisses his forehead before kissing both his cheeks and then his lips.

Dan pulls away.

“No,” he says, shaking his head.

Phil backs away, making sure he’s not touching Dan. He’s so stupid. He can’t just kiss Dan whenever he wants to now that they’re boyfriends. Consent is always needed, even if it’s just for a peck on the lips with his significant other.

“I’m sorry.”

Dan shakes his head faster.

“No kisses. I can’t kiss boys.”

Phil takes Dan’s hand, hoping it would help his panic.

“That’s okay. We don’t have to kiss. We can just cuddle and hold hands. Or we can not even do that, if you want. It’s completely up to you what we do, okay Dan?”

Dan stops shaking his head and starts nodding. Phil takes his other hand when Dan reaches to tug his hair.

“Hey. Look at me.” Phil notices Dan’s chest moving quickly, and realises this is more than just panic, it’s an attack. “Breath with me,” he says.

He pulls Dan’s hand to his chest so he can feel Phil’s heartbeat.

“In,” he says, breathing in deeply. “Hold.” He holds his own breath. “And out.” He releases the breath.

Dan didn’t really follow very well. He breathed in for a second, before huffing out and returning to his rapid breathing.

“Good job, let’s try again,” Phil says anyway.

He guides him through it, and this time Dan lasts a second and a half before breathing out. They do it another 15 times before Dan can breath in and hold his breath in time with Phil.

“Really good job, Dan. Well done,” Phil praises, smiling encouragingly at Dan.

They breathe together for another four or so minutes before Phil’s satisfied that Dan’s attack is over.

Dan collapses against him, clearly exhausted. Phil knows from experience that panic attacks are tiring. And Dan’s still recovering from the pneumonia too.

“I just wanna cuddle and hold hands. That’s all,” Dan says, surprisingly articulate for someone post-attack.

“That’s okay,” Phil says, but Dan shakes his head.

“No. I mean I only want to cuddle and hold hands here. Where no one can see. No one can see, Phil. Promise me no one will see,” Dan says, sitting up to look at Phil as he says the last sentence.

Phil shushes him and pulls him back down against his chest.

“It’s okay, Dan. No one will ever see unless you want them to, okay? I promise you.”

Dan tightens his grip on Phil. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” Phil squeezes Dan as he speaks, before pressing his cheek to the top of Dan’s head as a non-kiss comforting gesture.

~~~~

_Dear students,_

_The spread of coronavirus (COVID-19) has been vast and rapid, reaching various cities in England._

_As per the English Government’s recommendations, all universities are post-poning in-person classes, including lectures and tutorials._

_To support students who feel they are more vulnerable, tutorials and lectures will not be compulsory for this week (Monday 16 – Friday 20 March), effective immediately._

_Plans to move to remote delivery for a vast majority of our courses are well advanced. All students should keep an eye on their emails during this time for updates and other information regarding their studies._

_The Spring mid-semester break has been brought forward to commence on 23 March and will conclude on 3 April. Classes will recommence through online tools from 6 April. Students will receive further information about these tools during the mid-semester break._

_We appreciate your understanding during this time as lockdown procedures continue to be put into place._

_Stay safe,_

_Lemn Sissay_ _  
_ _Chancellor of University of Manchester_

“Did you get one of these?” Dan asks, turning his laptop screen towards Phil.

Dan watches as Phil skims the text before shrugging.

“I haven’t checked my email yet today,” he says.

Phil types a few things on his keyboard, and scans the screen.

“Yeah, I got it too,” he informs. “Wait, hang on.”

Dan waits as Phil clicks his trackpad a few more times before scanning the screen again.

“Reload your email,” he says. Dan does as he’s told.

_Dear students in dormitories,_

_Please review the previous email titled ‘COVID-19 — Remote Delivery’ before proceeding with this email._

_As per the English Government’s recommendations, all universities are temporarily closing in-person classes._

_UOM has taken further steps to prevent the spread of coronavirus (COVID-19), including the closure of dormitories until further notice. All students will be given until Sunday 22 March to move out of the dorms._

_If it is not at all possible for you to vacate the dorms, contact your resident assistants urgently to organise alternative living arrangements._

_We appreciate your understanding during this time as lockdown procedures continue to be put into place._

_Stay safe,_

_Lemn Sissay_ _  
_ _Chancellor of University of Manchester_

“What does this mean?” Dan asks, looking up at Phil.

He smiles. “I think it means we have to go home.”

Dan opens his mouth to speak, but decides better of it. He doesn’t want to upset Phil. He’ll keep it to himself. He’ll be fine; he has to be fine.

~~~~

Phil sighs. “What’s wrong?”

They’re having dinner, just the two of them this time. Chris and Pj are on a date and Louise is working on her thesis.

Dan’s been quiet all afternoon. Phil chose to ignore it, figuring he was just upset that his first year at uni wouldn’t actually be _at_ uni. But he couldn’t ignore it any longer.

“Hm?” he says, looking up from his food. He’s been stirring the pasta around since they sat down. Phil’s not sure he’s eaten a single bite.

“What’s wrong?” Phil repeats.

Dan shakes his head. “Nothing.”

“You haven’t touched your food. And I know you love pasta. You spent an hour talking about it when you were drugged up in the hospital.”

Dan blushes and opens his mouth, but closes it. He’s clearly trying to decide how to word what is going on in his mind.

“I just—” he decides, before cutting himself off. “My dad isn’t exactly gay-friendly,” he says.

Phil frowns. “Is that why you were so scared that you liked boys?”

He nods. “I _can’t_ like boys, Phil. You don’t understand.”

“You can. And I do understand. My parents may not be homophobic, but I know what it’s like to be scared of your sexuality. You can’t help who you like, Dan.”

Dan shakes his head. “We’ve already done this. I’m not happy about being gay or whatever, but I guess I’ll get used to it. It’s my dad I’m scared about. He’s— he— he really isn’t at all lgbt friendly. He rants about gay people pretty much every day when he gets home from work. And it’s not a good rant, trust me. He calls gay people things I’d rather not repeat.”

“It’s okay, Dan,” Phil says, trying to comfort him.

“No, it’s not. It’s never okay to say those things. I’m— I’m scared that if I go home and hear him say those things, I’ll be afraid again. I’m scared he’ll make me regret us.”

Phil looks away from Dan. He can’t believe he just said that. Sure, the logical part in his mind knows what Dan says should be taken at face value. But he can feel his heart beating a little harder inside his chest. It feels as though Dan regretted agreeing to date the second that he did. It feels as though he’s using his dad as an excuse.

He knows it’s not true. He knows Dan’s not the kind of person to do that. But Dan’s also the youngest person he’s ever dated, a list that is two people long, including him.

“If you don’t want to date, that’s fine,” Phil says. He means it to come out neutral, but even he can hear the passive-aggressive and hurt tone to his words.

Dan shakes his head quickly. “No— Phil, that’s not what I meant. I just— I’m sorry. I’m not sure what to do; I’ve never dated anyone before, ever.”

“I’m not exactly super experienced either.”

Dan smiles slightly. “I want to date you, Phil,” he says, reaching out to take Phil’s hand.

It’s only for a split second, and Dan’s eyes are scanning the room quickly to make sure no one’s looking. He lets go after he squeezes Phil’s hand, and then they retreat back to his lap.

“But?” Phil supplies.

“But,” Dan agrees, “my dad is probably the most anti-gay person in the whole wide world. He’ll never accept us, or more importantly, me.”

Dan looks down at his hands. Phil notices he’s running the fabric of his shirt through his fingers.

“I’m just scared he’s going to make me afraid to be gay again. I don’t— I like not being afraid of who I am. Like you said, I can’t help that I like boys. And— and that’s okay, I think,” Dan says, speaking quickly. He sounds incredibly unsure of himself and Phil’s quick to smile at him.

“It is okay. It’s more than okay, Dan,” he confirms. After a pause, he adds, “And guess what?”

Dan tilts his head. “What?”

“I’ll be there the whole time,” Phil says, before faltering. “Well, maybe not in person. But I’ll be there through text messages and maybe skype calls?”

“Definitely skype calls,” Dan says, making Phil smile.

The conversion falters a bit more and Phil watches as Dan starts to eat his food. He picks up the last slice of pizza, his own dinner.

Dan, who’s halfway to bringing a forkful of pasta to his mouth, places the fork back into the bowl.

“You know,” he starts, “I never really thanked you.”

“Thanked me?” Phil asks.

Dan nods. “For, you know, like, respecting my boundaries, I guess. You didn’t push me to do, um, coupley things. I said I didn’t want to, and you respected that. So, uh, thank you for that.”

Phil’s shocked. He never in a million years expected to be thanked for respecting someone’s boundaries. It’s like thanking someone for not assaulting someone else. It should be a given. Not something that has to be thanked.

“You don’t have to thank me for that,” Phil says, chuckling a little uncomfortably.

His mind suddenly comes up with a new idea, and he feels sick at the thought of it. He hopes no one’s ever _not_ respected Dan’s boundaries. Sure, Dan said he’s never had a boyfriend or girlfriend before, but there are plenty of other ways to intrude on another’s boundaries.

Dan smiles though, and Phil pushes the thought away.

“Thanks anyway,” he says, giggling a little. Phil thinks it’s the cutest sound he’s ever heard.

~~~~

Dan whines and flops backwards onto his bed. Phil laughs at his antics.

“Come on, Dan. We have to pack.”

It’s Wednesday currently. They received the email yesterday, saying the university was closing and that they had to the end of the week to move back home.

Despite still having five days, they’re packing. Well, Phil’s packing, Dan got his suitcase open before flopping onto his bed and whining.

“I don’t want to,” he says, an air of certainty in his voice.

Phil smiles and rolls his eyes playfully. “Well, you don’t get a choice. You have to go home, unless you want to be homeless.”

Dan shakes his head. “Can I come live with you?”

Phil laughs. “I think that kinda defeats the point of quarantine.”

“But if I quarantine with you from the beginning, then it’s fine.”

“Dan,” Phil says, shaking his head but smiling nonetheless. “You can’t come live with me. I’m going to my parents’. And I don’t think they’d approve of a literal stranger living in their house for God knows how long, until quarantine ends.”

He looks down but nods. “I mean that makes sense. I just don’t wanna live with my dad again. I don’t want to have to lie and pretend I hate all lgbt people. I mean, we’re just people for fuck’s sake! Just cause we aren’t white, straight, middle-aged men doesn’t mean we have to be ostracised from society!”

Phil hums in agreement. “We still have to pack, though.”

Dan frowns. “Can’t we leave on Sunday? At least then we’d get this week together.”

He shakes his head sadly. “You know they want us out of here as soon as possible. It’s just some people need more time to find somewhere to go.”

“Well I don’t care what they want. I’m staying till Sunday,” Dan says, crossing his arms.

Phil chuckles. “If you pack today, I’ll give you cuddles.”

“If I don’t pack today, we can cuddle for the rest of the week,” Dan counters, making Phil laugh and roll his eyes.

“Pack or no cuddles for you,” he threatens, though his tone gives away that he’s joking.

“Ugh!” Dan says, before swinging his legs off his bed. “Fine,” he says grumpily.

“Good boy,” Phil teases, sticking his tongue out, though he notices Dan’s blush at his words.

He supposes it is pretty embarrassing to be literally _praised_ as an adult. _Unless it’s kinky_ , his brain suddenly supplies, and he chokes on his own spit, blushing himself.

A few hours later, Phil is fully packed. Despite living in dorms for years at this point, the staff insisted on giving him a new room each semester. He hadn’t exactly had enough time to fully unpack, considering the term had only started two and a half weeks ago.

Dan is half packed, but he insists he’ll do the rest later if they break for lunch. Phil makes him pinky promise, which he does begrudgingly. Something tells Phil he hadn’t actually planned on finishing packing.

After lunch, Phil helps Dan finish packing.

“All done,” Dan says, frowning.

“All done,” Phil mimics. “Have you looked at the train timetable?”

Dan shakes his head. “I’ve been putting it off. I don’t want to know what time I’m officially leaving. I can’t count down that way.”

Phil frowns. He feels sorry for Dan. He’s returning to a homophobic household and Phil’s returning to a loving and supportive one.

“I don’t want your pity,” Dan says, interrupting Phil’s thoughts. He must have seen Phil’s sour expression.

“Sorry,” he says. “How about find a train for tomorrow? I’m sure they won’t mind one more day. And I sure wouldn’t mind cuddles and a movie tonight.”

Dan smiles widely. “I like that plan,” he says happily.

They find a train for Dan — 10:34 am — and settle into Phil’s bed.

“I like cuddles,” Dan says, snuggling closer to Phil, who chuckles.

“I know. You only want to do it at every chance we get,” he teases. Dan blushes and hides his face in Phil’s shoulder.

“I do not,” he retorts, but they both know it’s a lie. “Besides, you like cuddles too.”

Phil shrugs before laughing lightly. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to knock your head around.”

Dan nods. “It’s okay.”

~~~~

The next morning, they sleep in. They wake up, tangled in each other’s limbs. Dan’s pleasantly warm and he snuggles into Phil. He doesn’t care for the time. If he misses his train, so what? He just gets to spend more time with Phil.

 _Possessive, much?_ the voice in his head says, and he shakes it away.

Unfortunately, his head knocks into Phil’s, causing the older to groan and blink his eyes open.

“Morning,” he mumbles. And Dan instandly loves Phil’s morning voice. He’s sure he’s heard it before, but he can’t remember ever paying attention to it.

“Morning,” Dan echoes, voice slightly less sleep-filled.

“What time is it?” Phil asks.

When Dan shrugs, Phil works to untangle themselves so he can check his phone.

“Almost ten,” he says, answering his own question.

“I’ll have to go in like half an hour,” Dan says, looking down sadly.

He really doesn’t want to return home. Sure, his parents aren’t as bad as some people’s. But his dad certainly isn’t a nice person. And his mother just lets him say whatever he wants, leaving his dad with absolutely no filter.

He’s one of the more traditional men. One of the ‘men go to work, women raise the children’ type of people. He thinks he rules the house, and that what he says is law. Dan has liked living on his own. Where his opinion and views matter. Even Phil’s friends, who are all years older than him, listen to him when he speaks. Sure, he hasn’t hung out with them much, but they’re all nice. They don’t treat him like a nuisance.

“Come on, we should get ready,” Phil says, smiling sadly at Dan.

Dan frowns but compiles. He climbs out of bed, grabs his toiletries and a change of clothes, and excuses himself to the dorm bathrooms.

He opts not to shower. Even though he wants to stay, the anxiety of missing his train and getting in trouble for wasting his dad’s money again is too much.

After spraying extra deodorant, he heads back to his and Phil’s dorm. He knocks and once he hears Phil call him in, he opens the door.

“I’m ready,” he says after shoving his toiletries and night clothes into the front pocket of one of his suitcases. He thought of an idea in the bathroom. And he’s trying to push away his anxiety so he can follow through with it.

“Me too,” Phil says. He walks up to Dan, two suitcases behind him.

Dan swallows and licks his lips before creating the courage he needs within him. He never would have found enough for this; he had to make some.

He leans forward, and up, and connects his lips with Phil’s briefly.

After the kiss, he looks away, blushing.

He sees Phil’s Adam’s apple bob out of the corner of his eye.

“I don’t want you to regret this,” he whispers.

Dan looks back at him, sad. He hadn’t meant to make Phil question their blossoming relationship, he really hadn’t. Though he supposes it’s pretty obvious why what he said came out that way.

“I won’t, I promise,” Dan says quickly, before Phil has the chance to doubt him more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter on Monday!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a little late :|
> 
> TW: Internalised homophobia, homophobia (slurs), slight non-con, talk of non-con, misogynistic language.

Dan’s not really sure why, but his heart is beating fast and his hands are clammy. For that reason, and the fact that they’re in public, he doesn’t let Phil hold his hand.

 _‘Cause you’re a freak, Daniel Howell_ , the voice says. And honestly, he’s pretty sick of it hanging around all the time.

Hearing a voice all the time should probably be concerning, but he’s had this voice since he was around 13. He’s used to it and doesn’t see the harm in letting it stay. He just ignores it most of the time, well, when it lets him.

“Text me when you get home?” Phil asks, stopping them and turning to face Dan.

They’re at the turnstiles now. The place that you need a ticket to pass. The place that they have to say goodbye.

Dan spares a second to realise how needy he sounds. They started dating less than a week ago. And only met two weeks before that. With that thought, he realises he doesn’t know if it’s weird to start dating someone after two weeks of knowing someone. He hopes it isn’t.

He shakes his head to clear his thoughts. Phil clearly thinks he’s saying ‘no’ to his question though, so he smiles.

“Of course. You text me too.”

“Of course,” Phil copies, smiling easily. “Now get going. You’re going to miss your train.”

“That wouldn’t be such a bad thing,” Dan mumbles.

Phil must have heard him though as he reaches out to hit him lightly.

“Can I, um,” Phil says, reaching to rub his neck. “Can I give you a hug?”

Dan blinks, a little confused, before nodding. Phil wraps his arms around Dan and Dan does the same to Phil.

It’s a short hug, which Dan appreciates. He waves goodbye with a smile before heading for the turnstiles, inserting his ticket so it’ll let him pass through.

He berates himself for how awkward he was. It was just a hug. Hugs are completely family friendly. And yet, it felt wrong, knowing that the person he was hugging was not only a boy, but his boy _friend_.

And he berates himself further for that thought. It doesn’t matter if he was hugging his boyfriend. Being a boy and having a boyfriend is completely, 100% acceptable. He knows that.

 _Poof_ , the voice sneers again. He pushes it away.

 _It’s acceptable_ , he tells himself, though he already isn’t so sure. He’s going home to his father. To David “fags should be arrested” Howell.

The train is pretty empty, which Dan is thankful for. He really didn’t want to spend hours sitting next to some stranger.

After getting his luggage up on the overhead racks, he takes a seat and plugs his headphones in. He finds Muse and presses shuffle. The first song that comes on is the same one Phil played when they unpacked together. It makes him nostalgic, if thinking about two and a half weeks ago can be called nostalgia.

“Hey there,” someone says, taking a seat next to Dan. The voice is muffled by Dan’s headphones, but he hears it. He takes one out, looking over at the stranger. He’s in his fifties, probably. And he has a scruffy half-beard, clearly not intended and just the result of not shaving for a few weeks.

Dan doesn’t even have to try to smell the alcohol on the man’s breath. He shifts closer to the wall of the train carriage, wanting to put as much space between them as he can.

Normally this is the exact moment he’d pretend his phone’s ringing and that he has to answer it. Seeing as he’s on a train going through the countryside, though, he isn’t actually in serve range.

Dan spares a second to realise that’s never stopped him before, but chooses not to get his phone out anyway. His luggage is above him. And he doesn’t really trust this man with his stuff.

“Sorry, that seat’s taken,” he decides to say. The guy just chuckles though. And not like a friendly ‘don’t be silly’ chuckle. It’s a deep, sinister chuckle. The kind you’d hear when a horror movie villain tricks the main character.

“I’ve been watching you,” he says. “This seat has been empty for a _long_ time, my friend.”

Dan shakes his head, getting more and more uncomfortable by the second.

“We are not friends by any stretch of the imagination. Now leave, or I’ll make a scene.” He’s trying to sound confident, but he knows he’s failing. The man knows it too, judging by his evil-looking grin.

His hand lands high up on Dan’s thigh, and that’s when Dan really starts to panic. There are three other people in this carriage. A middle-aged woman and her daughter, and a twenty-something looking man, in a suit, typing away on his keyboard so fast Dan’s surprised it hasn’t set on fire.

When the man’s hand starts trailing up Dan’s thigh, he stands up. He doesn’t spare a second to acknowledge the ache in his head from hitting the overhead rack.

“Get away from me! Now!” he says loudly, grabbing the attention of the woman. Her daughter is busy playing on an iPad or something.

“Oh now, calm down. We’re just having some fun.”

Dan looks to the woman, who seems to understand he’s extremely uncomfortable. She whispers to her daughter, who nods, before standing up.

“Is there a problem here?” she says loudly as well, grabbing the attention of the business man.

The guy opens his mouth to answer — probably to say everything’s fine — but Dan gets in first.

“This man is harassing me,” he says. The woman nods.

“Leave him alone, or I’ll find a security guard,” she says. Dan can tell by her tone that she means business.

Thankfully, the man can tell too, as he huffs and walks off.

“Are you okay?” she asks.

Dan nods.

“April,” she calls, and her daughter looks up. She calls her over. “April here was a result of a man just like that,” she says.

Dan’s eyes widen as he realises what she means. April wasn’t a result of loving, and more importantly, consensual sex.

“My husband’s had the same thing happen to him. I refuse to stand by when anyone like that harrasses someone. It’s disgusting.”

Dan nods, not really sure what he’s meant to say in this situation.

“Thank you,” he settles on.

The woman nods and pats his shoulder lightly, before directly April back down the aisle and towards their seats.

Dan sits back in his seat and puts his headphones in, trying to forget that whole situation.

The man returns after an hour, and Dan shifts uncomfortably. He sneers at the woman but doesn’t try anything. He just takes a seat and stares at Dan, making him very uncomfortable.

Thankfully, he’s only got another ten minutes before they’ll reach the station closest to his house. But as he reassures himself with that thought, he realises he doesn’t want this man to know where he lives.

He’s probably just being over careful. But this man gives off some creepy vibes, and Dan really doesn’t want to see or hear of him ever again after this.

Dan gets off at the next station. Six stations earlier than he was meant to. The man doesn’t get off the train with him, which Dan counts as a win. Still, he chooses to walk the rest of the way. He doesn’t have any cash for a bus. And now that he’s out of the station, he’d need another ticket to get back on. So walking is the only real option, unfortunately.

He pulls his suitcases along, silently hoping the damaged one doesn’t pop open. It feels strangely like déjà vu, but Dan guesses that makes sense. He’d done this less than three weeks ago, just with a different destination in mind.

By the time Dan gets home, it’s three hours later than he’s planned. He hadn’t been walking those full three hours. He’d taken a stop at a coffee shop in town, around a half hour walk from his house. In part because he was tired from the walking, but also because he wanted to give the creepy man from earlier an opportunity to try something, if he had followed Dan. Sure, maybe he shouldn’t have tempted fate, but Dan really didn’t want this man knowing where he lived.

Either way, the man never showed up, and Dan felt comfortable to continue his trip home.

“I’m home!” he calls out, shutting the front door behind him.

He doesn’t hear anything in reply, so he heads for the lounge, where his mother usually is.

“Hi, Mum,” he says, waving his hand to get her attention.

She looks up and rolls her eyes.

“You’re late,” she says.

Dan can tell she isn’t worried in the slightest. She couldn’t care less. She sounds as if she’s saying the day’s going to be cloudy, as is normal for England.

“Sorry,” he says.

He debates telling her why, about what happened on the train, but decides better of it. She wouldn’t care. Besides, it’s 4:27 pm; she has to start preparing dinner in exactly three minutes or else it won’t be ready for Dan’s father when he gets home from work.

Dan remembers the time he ran in the house as a child and smashed the vase in the lounge. He cried, of course. And his mother came running in. She took care of him, as any good mother would. But because she’d done that, dinner wasn’t ready on time.

Dan wants to cover his ears as he remembers the shouting, though he knows there’s no argument happening right now.

“I’m going to go unpack,” he says, throwing his thumb over his shoulder to point back towards the stairs.

All he gets in return is a simple hum.

~~~~

“I’m home!” Phil calls out.

He hears his mother humming in the kitchen, but she soon comes into view as she rushes into the entryway.

“Phil!” she cheers. “Come here.”

Phil follows her gestures and gives her a hug.

“Oh,” she says, hugging him tight. “I know it’s only been two weeks but I missed my baby.”

She ruffles Phil’s hair and he swats her hand away, smiling.

“Missed you too, Mum,” he says.

“Now, do you need help unpacking?”

“I think I’ll be alright, thanks though.”

“Just don’t put it off. I don’t want you living out of that suitcase past Sunday, okay?”

Phil smiles innocently. “I’ve never done that in my life,” he lies.

His mum playfully rolls her eyes. “I’m not so old to have forgotten last year already, Philip! You lived out of your suitcase for a month after the Isle of Man!”

“It was not a month!” he defends. Though a month was being kind — it was closer to two.

She laughs and waves him away, turning back to the kitchen. Phil grabs his bags from the entryway and lugs them upstairs and onto his bed. He decides to unpack straight away. Living out of a suitcase really isn’t much fun.

It’s about two hours later that he’s called down for lunch.

“I made your favourite,” his mother says, placing a big plate of homemade pizza in front of him.

Phil frowns. “But my favourite food is popcorn,” he says sadly, giving his mother puppy-dog eyes.

She laughs. “Popcorn is not a meal.”

Phil shrugs as if to say ‘fair enough’, and picks up the first piece on his plate. It’s delicious, as always; far better than the pizza from the dorm cafeteria.

Though his mind starts to wander a little. He knows Dan won’t be home until around 1:30 pm — another half hour away — but he’s worried about him already.

Apparently he’s not as subtle as he thinks, or his mother is just very adept at knowing how he’s feeling, because she lightly touches his hand to get his attention.

“What’s wrong?” she asks. “Do you not like it?”

Phil shakes his head quickly. “It’s great, Mum. It’s just—” he says, cutting himself off. He’s not really sure how to describe what he’s thinking.

“You can talk to me, Philip. Tell your old Mum what’s up.”

“I thought you said you weren’t that old,” Phil retorts.

She lightly hits his arm, but gestures for him to answer her question anyway.

“Well, I kinda started dating someone.” His mum looks a little surprised at the news, but she schools her expression quickly. “The thing is,” he continues, “they’re homelife isn’t really all that great. I’m just a little worried. They’ll be getting home soon.”

His mother nods in understanding, looking a little worried herself despite not knowing Dan at all. Instead of asking intrusive questions, though, she asks something else.

“And what’s this boy’s name?”

That takes Phil by surprise. He’s not out to his parents. He thinks over what he just said, and confirms he definitely said ‘they’. He hadn’t meant to, really, it was subconscious. Either way, his mother apparently knows he’s gay, and he’s not really sure how.

She laughs next, which just confuses Phil further.

“I hope you didn’t have this big coming out speech planned,” she says. “You may not remember this, but you used to talk about boys all the time. And you used to hug the TV every time your favourite news presenter came on.”

She laughs at the memory and Phil blushes, embarrassed. Still, though, he’s happy his mother is supportive. He had no doubt she would be, but coming out is always at least a bit nerve-wracking. Little did he know, she’s supported him this whole time.

“Dan,” he says suddenly, answering her question from earlier.

He smiles just saying his name, which makes his mother tease him. Phil knows she’s just messing around though. He’s appreciative that his mother is not only understanding, but is also supportive enough to joke around about it.

“He was my roommate.” Phil glances to the side, thinking. “‘Was’ sounds weird. But I guess it’s true. Anyway, he’s a freshman. I helped him move in and we both liked Muse so we kinda instantly got along. Anyway, we didn’t talk much ‘cause Dan walked in— um, nevermind.”

Phil blushes, but thankfully his mother doesn’t press him on that. He shakes his head to clear his thoughts.

“He found out I was gay and was a bit uncomfortable with it. So he slept elsewhere for a week and avoided our dorm. Eventually I found him studying there and we kinda kissed, I guess.”

“I don’t want the details, Phil,” his mother warns, still smiling.

She’s clearly happy for Phil, which makes Phil happy in return.

“Anyway, he freaked out and ran away so I literally went to campus security. He showed up eventually and was sick enough to go to the hospital, so I took him there. He had pneumonia. I don’t know where he’d been but clearly it wasn’t somewhere safe and warm. At the hospital he told me he was jealous of, um, how comfortable I was with my sexuality. And he explained that he liked me but that he couldn’t be gay. We had a heart-to-heart when he got back to the dorm and decided to start dating.”

His mother’s clearly excited to hear about Dan, but Phil knows the story’s about to get sad.

“His dad’s like super homophobic or something, though. Dan’s scared being back home will make him afraid to be gay again. He accepted it really quickly, Mum. Like, he was so good at coming to terms with it. I’m worried that his Dad will, like, undo all that or something. I don’t know,” Phil explains, mumbling the last little bit.

His mother takes his hands and holds them.

“It’s okay to be worried, Phil,” she says sadly. Phil nods in understanding. “Unfortunately, though, there’s nothing you can really do. Just be there for him; I’m sure he’ll appreciate that.”

“I don’t plan on abandoning him any time soon.”

She smiles, eyes crinkling. “I know, Phil. I can see he makes you happy. And that’s all me and your father ever want for you. Take care of him, Phil. And he’ll take care of you.”

Phil nods, smiling even though he’s still worried.

“Love you, Mum.”

“Love you too, Phil.” There’s a pause. “Eat your pizza; it’s probably cold by now.”

~~~~

“How is university?” Dan’s dad asks.

He’s been home for about ten minutes and has already made several homophobic comments. Apparently there’s a new guy at his work who has a husband and Dan’s dad is far from pleased.

“It was good,” Dan answers. He knows better than to mention Phil.

“Are you enjoying law?”

Dan shrugs, before seeing his mother’s death glare and clearing his throat. “It’s alright. I’m not sure I see a future career in it for myself, but it’s interesting.”

His father nods in half-approval and Dan takes that as a win.

“You’ll enjoy law. It’s a fascinating subject. You just haven’t had the opportunity to really delve into it.”

Dan smiles and nods. He doesn’t really agree — he knows law isn’t for him — but he has to keep his father happy, especially now that he lives under his roof again.

There’s a lull in the conversation, where his parents are eating and Dan’s thinking of Phil. He wonders if he’s unpacked yet and, if he hasn’t, what he’s been doing all afternoon.

“Daniel,” his father says. Dan looks at him. “Have you found a nice lady to bear your children to?” he asks.

Dan, who had just taken a sip of his drink, chokes. He hits his chest and once he stops coughing, he wipes his watery eyes.

“I’m sorry, what?”

“God, do you listen to anything I say?” he snaps, glaring at Dan.

“Sorry. You took me by surprise is all,” Dan says, remembering his manners.

“Well, have you?” his father asks again, completely uncaring that Dan almost choked to death.

Dan shakes his head. “No, Dad, sorry. I was more focussed on making friends and settling in.”

“Finding a nice woman is more important, Daniel. And make sure she’s got big tits, it’ll make the babies healthier,” he says.

Dan feels sick but nods in agreement, knowing that’s what’s expected of him. He sits there for another few minutes, before excusing himself. He takes his and his mother’s plates to the kitchen on his way. Helping clean up is a good excuse to get out of the rest of family dinner.

His dad doesn’t really care if he leaves early. He cares if Dan’s mum does, though. She must remain seated until he is finished in case he needs anything. Dan feels even sicker thinking about it.

He used to think it was normal — good, even — for a wife to wait on her husband. But Dan’s older now. He knows better.

Ten minutes later, when Dan’s doing the dishes, his mother comes in.

“Thank you for helping,” she says first. “But what’s wrong? You never help unless something’s bothering you.”

“Just— Dad. I’m not interested in finding a woman to ‘bear my children’ yet. I only turned 18 last year.”

His mother hums. “I understand, Daniel. But your father and I met when I was 17 and he was 20. It’s important to find a nice woman. We want grandchildren before I’m too old to care for them.”

Dan nods and excuses himself to his bedroom. He doesn’t really want to listen to their reasons again, even if his mother is less intense.

He lays down on his bed, facing the window. He can’t quite see the street — the window is too high up — but he can see the clouds, which is calming. There’s one that looks like a tower, and one that looks like a fluffy polar bear.

He can’t help but think about what his father said. He doesn’t want to find a woman to have his children. Hell, he isn’t even sure he wants kids. But if he does, they sure as hell won’t be from him and a _woman_. Just the idea of having sex with a woman sounds disgusting — not that he has anything against women. He just doesn’t want to fuck them, sue him.

 _Fairy_ , the voice whispers.

Dan, who’s too annoyed at his father to care, laughs.

“Yep,” he says out loud. “And I’m not ashamed of it.” He pauses for a second and sighs, “Yet.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will be the last chapter for a few weeks. I have exams starting in just over a week so won’t have enough time to write. Hope you stick around to see what comes next though! I’m super excited and have it all planned out :D


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, it’s been a while. But I finished my last exam today so I’m all set to start writing and posting again!! Hope you enjoy... chapter 5!
> 
> TW: Mild references to non-con.

“Hey!”

Dan frowns. “Hold on. I can’t hear you.”

Dan fiddles around with his headphones, pulling them out and plugging them back in.

“Okay, say something,” Dan says.

Phil grins. “Something.”

Dan rolls his eyes a little. “Okay, it’s working now. That was weird.”

“How are you?” Phil asks.

“I’m good. What about you?”

“Good. I’ve already unpacked too, which is a miracle,” Phil says, giggling.

Dan smiles. “That’s good. I can guarantee I wouldn’t have unpacked by now but I wanted to avoid my parents and it was a good excuse.”

Phil frowns. “How is it?” he asks.

“Mum was mad ‘cause I was home late. I didn’t bother telling her why.”

Phil tilts his head. “Why _were_ you home late?”

Dan glances away before looking back at the camera. Thinking about it still made him feel all gross, even though nothing had happened. He hadn’t even thought that Phil would ask when he mentioned it. In hindsight, why _wouldn’t_ Phil ask? But Dan had just mentioned it in passing, not as an actual conversation starter.

He explains why he was late anyway. “There was this really creepy guy who was kinda hitting on me, I guess, I don’t know. I got off the train three stops early so he couldn’t follow me home.”

Phil looks worried, which makes Dan both feel bad and feel loved.

“Are you okay?” he asks.

Dan nods. “Yeah. He didn’t. Follow me, I mean. There was a mum there who helped me.”

Phil sighs. “That’s good. I’m glad you’re okay. That would not have been a fun start to quarantine.”

Dan laughs, even though what could have happened is nothing to laugh at. “No, it really wouldn’t have.”

There’s a pause and Dan sees Phil looking intently into his computer screen. He can tell, because he’s looking just below the camera that Dan sees him through.

“Is there something else bothering you?”

Dan instantly remembers his father’s words at dinner. _“Have you found a nice lady to bear your children to?”_ He feels sick merely thinking about it.

He swallows. “I shouldn’t say.”

Phil tilts his head curiously. “‘Shouldn’t’ because you think it’s wrong? Or don’t want to?”

Dan smiles. They’ve only known each other for a few weeks and yet Phil is so good at picking up on Dan’s moods. Dan’s never had anyone pay such attentive detail to him. Phil notices the smallest things about him, which he figures should make him feel crowded, but instead only makes him feel warm and fuzzy.

“Shouldn’t because it _is_ wrong.”

“Dan,” Phil says sadly.

Dan’s confused as to why, but then he realises. Phil thinks he’s talking about being gay. He thinks Dan’s already internalising his father’s homophobia.

“No— Phil, that’s not it,” he says as soon as he realises. He doesn’t want Phil to think he’s a homophobe. Sure, Phil would understand – it’s not him, it’s his dad – but he really doesn’t want to have that conversation again.

“What do you mean?”

“I— I don’t want to verbally repeat _his_ words. So I’m gonna type them, okay?”

He sees Phil nod so he closes out of full-screen mode and quickly types out his message.

_8:22 pm – To AmazingPhil: My dad said I need to find a woman to bear my children._

Dan sees Phil’s expression; he looks as if he just ate a lemon, nose scrunched up in disgust.

“Ew. I’m so sorry, Dan. That’s awful.”

Dan laughs sadly. “It gets worse, don’t worry.”

Phil tilts his head and Dan types again.

_8:23 pm – To AmazingPhil: He said to make sure she has big boobs cause it makes the babies healthier or some shit._

Phil grimaces further.

“Ew, that’s disgusting. He’s your father, what the hell.”

Dan nods in agreement.

“Even if he wasn’t though, how backwards thinking is it?” Dan says, rolling his eyes. “Like, this is the 21st century. When the fuck does he think it is? The 1800’s? God, it just pissed me off.”

Dan huffs, needing to take a breath. “And then,” he continues on, “my Mum agrees with him. I mean, she agrees with everything, that’s nothing new. But you’d think she’d be a bit more, I don’t know, upset that he’s insulting every single other woman on the fucking planet.”

Dan sees Phil smiling and frowns. To be honest, he’s a little pissed. Phil, probably the nicest guy Dan’s ever met, is smiling at how backwards thinking his parents are.

He almost says ‘what the fuck are you smiling at?’, before realising his aggression shouldn’t be funnelled to Phil.

So instead, he says, or whines, “This is not funny, Phil!” It doesn’t have the desired effect, only making Phil actually laugh.

Phil doesn’t get a chance to reply, as there’s a knock at Dan’s door. Dan holds a finger up to Phil to tell him to wait. He quickly puts himself on mute, just in case.

“Come in,” Dan calls.

“Hi,” his mother says, pushing the door open. “Your father’s asleep. So please try to keep it down.”

He grins sheepishly. “Sorry.”

She smiles. “It’s okay. Just try to keep in mind that your father works very long hours.”

Dan nods.

“Oh, and you can have this week off. But as of next week, your father and I want you to help around the house.”

“But I’ll be back at uni in two weeks.”

“Surely you won’t need as much time as normal. It’s all online.”

Dan shrugs. He’s never done university online; he doesn’t know how long he’ll need.

She smiles and nods. “I’m glad that’s sorted.”

Dan smiles back, but it’s so clearly fake. Once she closes the door behind her, he rolls her eyes.

He turns back to Phil. He doesn’t bring up the interaction. He’s ranted enough about his family for one day.

“Anyway, how is your family?” he asks instead.

Phil smiles sadly at Dan. He can clearly tell Phil knows his mum didn’t come in to wish him a good night, but he’s thankful Phil doesn’t bring it up. Dan doesn’t want his pity.

“Good. Mum made homemade pizza for lunch and we had nachos for dinner, which was nice.”

Dan smiles and nods. He’s happy for Phil, he really is. But, he can’t help but wish his family was more like Phil’s.

“My mum’s decided Sunday’s are now family days. My brother and his girlfriend will come over and we’ll have lunch, play games and watch a movie. I think she’s just realising that we’re getting older and that we won’t necessarily live near her much longer.”

Dan smiles. “That’s cute,” he says, silently wishing his mother was sad that he was beginning to be more independent. “I didn’t know you had a brother.”

“Mustn’t’ve come up,” Phil answers, shrugging. “His name’s Martyn. He’s two years older than me.”

Dan nods. “I’m an only child,” he says.

“Sometimes that’s a good thing,” Phil answers, laughing. “I remember one time when Martyn convinced me to eat soap. He said parents don’t like kids eating them even though they’re delicious. He said that’s why they smell so good.”

Dan laughs at the story, trying to imagine a young, very gullible, Phil.

“I don’t know if that’s his fault for being a bad brother, or your’s for believing him.”

“I was four!” Phil defends, crossing his arms with a huff.

“At four years old I was tending the garden all on my own!” Dan says, laughing.

Phil’s about to reply but he closes his mouth before frowning.

“One minute!” he shouts suddenly, voice directed to his left. “Sorry, Dan. Mum’s calling me. I have to go. I’ll talk to you tomorrow?”

“Of course,” he says happily. “Sleep well!”

“You too. Night, Dan.”

“Good night, Phil.”

Dan salutes and Phil waves, grinning, before they disconnect. Dan decides to just head to sleep. Sure, it’s early. But he’s had a long day, what with travelling and his father. He deserves some extra sleep, he decides.

~~~~

A few days later, Dan and Phil are playing _World of Warcraft_. Dan had played it as a teenager and decided to get it again to pass quarantine. Phil’s never heard of it, but is happy to play whatever Dan wants to.

“Okay, so this is where you pick your character,” Dan informs. He and Phil are skyping on his phone and he had the game open on his computer.

“Ooh! There’s so many breeds!”

Dan laughs. “‘Breeds’?”

“What are they called?”

“Races?” he supplies.

“Yeah, that!”

Dan rolls his eyes at Phil’s ignorance, but he’s still laughing.

“This is where you pick who you want to play as.”

“Oh my god! I can be a panda!”

“A _pandaren_ , Phil. They aren’t pandas.”

“They look like pandas! And they have ‘panda’ in their name. So they’re totally pandas.”

“Do you want to be a panda?”

“I like the night elves. They look cool!”

“I always play blood elf, but I can try alliance for once, I guess,” Dan says, smiling.

“No! I want you to play as who you want to play as! Blood elves are cool!”

Dan watches Phil click around a few times.

“Okay,” he says. “How do I know which class to pick?”

“Well, it depends how you want to play. They have different specialities and when you level up, they can have very different play styles.”

Phil looks alarmed. “And how am I meant to decide who to be _now_? I don’t even know this game.”

“Phil, calm down. It’s not that big of a decision.”

“Can you tell me what they all do?”

Dan nods. “Well, if you look, some will be greyed out. That means you can’t be them in that race. Say, blood elves, can’t be shamans or druids.”

“What does that mean?”

Dan laughs at Phil’s confusion. He’s played this game for years. Only stopped last year so he could focus on his studies to get into a good university, really. It feels good to be back.

He explains the different classes, even the ones they can’t be as blood elves.

“Druids sound so cool,” Phil says, excited but also disappointed.

“You know,” Dan says, “we don’t have to be the same race. Sure, it’d make it easier ‘cause I could help you. But sometimes doing things on your own is fun. We could be like Romeo and Juliet, Horde and Alliance.”

“Is the Horde evil?” Phil asks suddenly. He’s smiling, which makes Dan slime in return.

“I mean if you’re the alliance, then yeah. There’s a whole lot of lore though, it’s not as simple as good and bad guys.”

Phil nods. “Oh okay.”

“You get it?”

“I think so,” Phil says, but he sounds very unsure. They both laugh.

“Good. Now, do you want to play night elf?”

Phil looks guilty as he nods. Dan smiles so he knows it’s okay.

“Then play night elf. I’ll help you if you have any questions. I have a level 100 in every race so I’ve done everything you’ll do.”

“Ooh I have a fancy moon staff!”

Dan laughs. “You do. Okay so next is character customisation and name-picking.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this one’s a little shorter than the others. I’m not sure why but the plan for this chapter didn’t have much and the next chapter has a lot that I couldn’t split up easily. Anyway, the next chapter will be up on Saturday!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is late again, ngl it completely slipped my mind. But here it is! Hope you like it :D
> 
> TW: Homophobic slurs.

A couple of hours later, Dan’s mum appears at his bedroom door.

“Dinner’s ready,” she says.

Dan nods and she leaves. He says a quick goodbye to Phil before logging off and turning off his phone screen.

They sit in silence for a few minutes before Dan’s dad clears his throat. Dan instantly cringes, trying to imagine what’s going to come from his father’s mouth. None of his ideas are pleasant.

“I’ve found a nice girl for you to go on a date with,” he says.

Dan’s surprised. Of all the horrible things he’d imagined, his father setting him up on a date was not one of them.

“What?” Dan blurts out before he really gets a chance to think things through. His father’s not impressed, he can tell.

“I do not repeat myself. You should listen better,” he snaps. “Now answer properly.”

Dan swallows, trying to think of what to say. He settles on a half-truth.

“Why are you pushing so much for me to get a girlfriend? You’ve never cared before.”

He looks furious at Dan questioning him, which, really, Dan should have expected.

“Do not question me,” he says, voice full of authority.

“But—”

“No, ‘but’s, Daniel. Be quiet unless I ask you to speak.”

Dan nods, not really up for arguing with his dad further.

“Dad,” Dan says quietly.

His father glares at him in return.

“What did I _just_ say?” he seethes. Even Dan’s mother looks worried.

“I’m sorry,” he says quickly. “But no one’s supposed to go out right now. I’m only home because of quarantine.”

His father rolls his eyes. “God, this is ridiculous. We can’t just stop our lives for some virus. Viruses are around all the time. The fucking common cold is a virus. We don’t see the country shutting down every winter, do we?”

Dan closes his eyes, trying to not speak up. His father is so, _so_ wrong, but arguing about it would only make him angrier.

“Fine, whatever. Fucking conformists.”

Dan swallows his retaliation. He’d only been away from this household for three weeks and he hadn’t realised how much more confident he’d become. He felt comfortable sharing his views, and he trusted Phil and Phil’s friends to listen to him.

Here, Dan’s got to do everything his father says. He doesn’t get a say. If he argues, he can expect to miss the next meal. Or to have to clean the whole house top to bottom. Or some other, equally annoying, punishment.

“The second this shit ends,” his father continues, glaring at Dan, “you will go on that date.”

“What’s her name?” Dan asks.

His father laughs. “What does it matter? She’s attractive and got those big tits I was telling you to keep an eye out for. She’ll give you good babies.”

Dan feels sick, for not the first time since coming home. But there’s nothing he can do. He’ll have to go on the date as soon as quarantine laws are lifted, and Dan can’t dread it any more than he already is.

After dinner, Dan excuses himself and goes into his bedroom. He really doesn’t want to be around his father and his backwards thinking any longer than he has to.

Dan lays on his bed. He’s suddenly not so sure his father’s insistence at him finding a lady is so random. What if he knows about Phil?

That thought spirals a long chain of more ‘what if’s before Dan cuts himself off.

“No,” he tells himself out loud. “There’s no way he could know. There’s no way.”

Dan checks his phone for the time and realises he’s five minutes late for his and Phil’s skype call. He hopes Phil won’t mind.

“Hey!” Phil greeted.

Dan forced himself to smile. “Hi,” he says.

“How are you?”

“Good,” Dan answers, using his best ‘absolutely nothing is wrong’ voice. It seems to be convincing enough for Phil.

“That’s good!”

Dan smiles and laughs a little at Phil’s excitement. Dan’s missed him. Sure, they call every night like clockwork. But after the evening Dan’s had, he really needs to see Phil. And Phil’s in front of him now, it’s perfect.

“How are you?” he repeats back to Phil.

“I’m good, thanks. Tired. Mum helped me clean my room today and I’m exhausted.”

Dan smiles. “That’s good! My room’s a mess but I’m too lazy to tidy it.”

They talk a bit more until there’s a semi-awkward silence. Phil laughs.

“Oh my god. Earlier I was looking at stuff on the deep sea. Did you know how many horrifying creatures are down there?” he says, smiling while also trying to look horrified.

“The ocean scares me,” Dan says, shrugging. “Like it’s so deep and mysterious. Who knows what’s way down underneath the surface just biding its time to come and destroy humanity.”

“Well aren’t you chipper,” Phil says, sticking his tongue out.

Dan laughs. “Sorry,” he says.

“But seriously, there are anglerfish, obviously. And they’re terrifying as is. And they only live 2,000 metres down. The ocean’s 11,000 metres at the Marianas Trench. Like, that’s insane. Who knows how much more is down there, completely undiscovered to humans.

“We know things like the giant squid exist. But what about mega squid. Or, like, I don’t know, an ultra massive squid. What about a real-life Kraken? How cool would that be?”

Dan tunes out at this point. He already hated the water, and Phil talking about all the nightmare demons that could live in it is not helping.

He doesn’t ask Phil to stop though, mostly because Dan can’t help but think it’s cute how excited Phil is about it.

Dan can tell from his expression and wild hand gestures that the deep ocean is something that truly fascinates and excites him. Knowing that, Dan would never ask him to stop.

“You know there’s a thing called a dumbo octopus?” Phil’s saying as Dan tunes back in. “It looks kinda like Pearl from _Finding Nemo_.”

“I wanna kiss you,” Dan blurts before instantly realising what he just said and blushing hard. He looks away, avoiding eye contact with Phil.

Phil stops mid-sentence, laughing awkwardly.

The silence lingers for a while, and Dan debates just unplugging the internet from his computer and saying it dropped out. But before he has a chance to act on it, Phil’s talking.

“It’s ok,” he says. “Please don’t freak out or anything.”

“I’m not freaking out,” Dan whispers, freaking out.

Phil laughs. Dan can tell he doesn’t believe him.

“Anyway,” he says, sparing Dan, “they live almost 4,000 metres underwater. And they’re really cool. Not at all scary like everything else down there. And they’re like 20 centimetres long, which seems like a lot for so far down underwater. Like, there’s so much pressure. How do they even move?” Phil trails off, laughing to himself. “Oh wow, I didn’t realise it’d got so late.”

“That makes it sound like you’re trying to get away from me,” Dan says, half-joking, half completely serious and afraid Phil’s sick of him.

Phil laughs though. “I’m not, promise. I told Mum I’d help her in the garden tomorrow morning. And I need my beauty sleep.”

“That’s alright. I should probably go to bed too, not that I’ll go to sleep until the sun’s coming up.”

“Have fun with that,” Phil says, grinning.

Dan huffs playfully. “I will!”

“Night, Dan.”

“Good night.”

They wave at each other for a few seconds before Phil clicks the button to end the call.

Dan sighs and looks at his bed. He really should try and sleep. But he also knows there’s no way in hell it’ll happen at 11 pm. He decides he should climb into bed anyway. Maybe his brain will realise it’s sleep time and actually let him drift off at a reasonable time.

He strips his shirt off and pulls the covers back. It’s a cold night, even though it’s a month into Spring. He pulls the covers up tight around him, snuggling into his cool bed sheets. He’ll warm them up soon enough, he figures.

On his back, head the only part of him out of the soon-to-be-warm blanket cocoon, he starts to think.

He hadn’t done much that day. He played some video games in the late morning — when he woke up — and early afternoon. Then started binging Disney movies, since he had nothing better to do. They reminded him of his childhood, before he understood what ‘faggot’ and ‘poofter’ meant. He was eventually called down for dinner, at which point he realised just how hungry he was. His dad was an asshole, of course.

Dan remembered his words. _I’ve found a nice girl for you to go on a date with._ Dan feels sick just thinking about how he described her. He’ll never love her, he’s accepted that much now. He loves Phil, and that’s all.

His brain short-circuits at that. He _loves_ Phil?

He shakes his head. He can’t love Phil. No, he _doesn’t_ love Phil. Whether he can or not is irrelevant. He doesn’t love Phil.

His brain short-circuits again. He _can’t_ love Phil?

 _Why not?_ he thinks, challenging himself.

 _Faggot_ , the voice, which only just appeared again, says.

 _Missed you_ , Dan thinks at it sarcastically.

 _Fairy_ , it sings, ignoring Dan’s comment.

_I’m not a homophobe._

_Never said you were. But that doesn’t mean you can be gay._

Dan sighs. _I’m not internally homophobic either._

 _For now_ , it whispers.

Dan scoffs. _Fuck off. I’m going to sleep now._

He closes his eyes and feels himself begin to drift off almost instantly. The last thing he remembers is hearing ‘faggot’ whispered into his ear.

~~~~

Martyn and Cornelia are over. Phil’s excited because he hasn’t seen his brother – or his brother’s girlfriend, for that matter – since Christmas. They’re schedules had just never lined up.

“Pass the salt please, dear?” Phil’s dad says. Cornelia hands over the salt and Phil watches as his father puts way too much on.

“Any news, Martyn?” his mother asks. Phil’s interest peaks at this since he didn’t know Martyn’s been waiting for news.

“Nothing much. I may be in line for a promotion next year but that’s pretty much it.”

“Well, that would be nice. How about you, Corn?”

She smiles and reaches for Martyn’s hand. “Well, nothing super exciting. Other than I’m going to be an aunt soon!”

His mum squeals with excitement. “Oh that’s so exciting. Babies are so much fun.” She pauses. “Then they grow up.”

Phil pouts and crosses his arms playfully.

“Speaking of babies,” she then continues. Phil watches as Martyn’s eyes widen. No doubt he too knows what’s coming next.

“We aren’t quite ready yet,” Martyn says before she can even ask.

He takes Cornelia’s hand and is looking at her as if to confirm what he’s said.

“One day. We’d like to. We just aren’t super sure of our financial stability yet,” she explains.

His mother waves her hands around.

“Oh pish-posh. You know we’ll cover any expenses that you can’t.”

Martyn nods. “We know, Mum. But we just wouldn’t feel right doing that.”

After that conversation, they don’t stay long at the table. They catch up as they eat, before progressing to the lounge.

“Phil, could you go get a game from the games closet? Your pick.”

Phil nods and heads out of the lounge.

He looks at his choices: Monopoly, The Game of Life, Risk, Labyrinth, and lots more.

He wants to choose monopoly, but he quickly remembered he’d told Dan he’d teach him how to play it.

The Game of Life is a good option. It’s not too long and it’s pretty funny. He remembers one time Martyn got a ‘midlife crisis’ card and had acted out a full scene, completely unnecessary for the game. He’d rolled around on the floor, practically screaming ‘midlife crisis’. Everyone had gotten a good laugh out of it.

Risk is heaps of fun, but pretty long. And it isn’t too good if you wished to keep your family as friends.

Labyrinth is a short game – around 20 minutes – but they could always play multiple rounds.

He settles on the last game. It’s a good, safe option.

Once he’s back in the lounge, he makes the maze and puts the board on top. He tells Martyn to spin it around while he looks away.

After that, they choose colours. It’s a four-player game – a fact Phil managed to overlook – so his mum and dad agree to team up. They figure that their minds combined might be a worthy adversary for their children’s.

“Phil, you go first,” Martyn says. While it sounds like a friendly feature, Phil knows better. He and his brother have always been competitive. And Martyn knows going first in this game is a huge disadvantage.

Still, Phil picks up the dice. He rolls a 3 and goes about carefully choosing the spaces he wants to move to. He eyes up the token in the centre, and maps multiple ways to get there. He moves forward twice, and then left. He waits for the sound of the magnet dropping and it doesn’t come. He sighs, relieved.

“Your turn,” he says to mark, grinning evilly.

Martyn does the same, rolling a 4. He moves two spaces forward and tries to go right but gets caught by one of the labyrinth walls.

He groans loudly, collecting his magnet from the trey and putting his piece back in the corner.

The game goes around a few more turns until Phil’s cry of victory.

He’s made it to the token first. He places it in his newly-existing pile and smiles to himself, proud.

“You definitely rigged this,” Martyn says, though his tone is playful.

“You spun it!”

“And you probably memorised it and now you know the orientation!”

“Boys!” their mother says loudly, clearing her throat. “The game?” she says, gesturing to the new token that had been put out. It’s two tiles away from his mum and dad’s piece. Phil’s furthest away.

“Told you I didn’t rig it,” he says grumpily, but everyone knows neither of the brothers have any actual heat.

After an hour and a half, they pack up. Phil returns the game while his mum makes popcorn and his dad gets the movie ready.

They settled on ‘Liar Liar’, an “oldy but goody,” as his father said.

Phil walks back into the room in time to collect his bowl of popcorn. He settles into his rocking chair – yes, he has a rocking chair – while his mum and dad take the three-seater and Martyn and Cornelia take the love seat.

They’ve engaged with social distancing this whole time, of course. But that means Phil has a weird angle of the TV. His rocking chair isn’t angled at the screen, so he stands back up and drags it next to the three-seater.

He settles down, happy with his new view of the TV.

“Everyone set?” his dad asks, pointing the remote at the screen. Everyone hums approval and he presses play.

They last five minutes before the movie is paused – Martyn needs the bathroom.

~~~~

They’re up to the part where Fletcher is in the courtroom, trying to ask his witness questions but being unable to. Phil spares a quick glance to his family and sees them all smiling with glee as the scene unfolds.

He also can’t help but notice that he’s the only one there without a partner. His mum and dad are cuddled on the sofa, Corn is resting her head on Martyn’s shoulder, and then there’s Phil.

He suddenly has a really strong urge to hold someone’s hand. Which makes him sad. Had England not gone into lockdown, he could have been holding someone’s – more specifically Dan’s – hand. But no, the world had to be conspiring against him.

He hasn’t realised but he’s been staring at Martyn’s shoulder for the last five minutes. The courtroom scene is well over and Martyn’s smirking at him.

“Lonely over there, are you?” he taunts, grabbing the attention of the others.

Phil frowns. He knows Martyn’s just teasing, and his frown is half-playful too, but the comment still makes his heart pang a little bit.

“I’m happy over here,” he says casually.

Martyn rolls his eyes and throws a pillow from the other end of the love seat over to Phil.

“Cuddle that,” he says, before focussing back on the movie.

Phil snarls and jeers at him but after everyone’s focus is back on the movie, Phil’s arms unconsciously wrap around the pillow.

It’s not his fault. His body just loves cuddles. And Dan’s not there right now. He has to compromise, even if that means shedding some of his dignity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one’s a little shorter but the next one’s a little longer so it works out! Lemme know what you think!!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Misogynistic language, homophobia, references to gay conversion therapy, panic attacks.

“How are you?” Phil asks, resting his cheek in his hand.

Dan smiles. “I’m pretty good. How are you?”

Phil smiles too. “I’m good, thanks.”

“What have you been up to?”

“A lot of video games. I restarted ‘Undertale’ and I’m not ready for what’s coming. I never am.”

Dan laughs. “You know what’s coming. I’d say you should know what you’re getting into, but I did the same thing, just with ‘Life is Strange’.”

“Uni starts back next week, yeah?”

“Yeah. I am not looking forward to it.”

“You’re telling me! I have to do my thesis with no support now! I think I might get a monthly call with my supervisor but it used to be weekly and in person. I am going to _struggle_.”

“At least you know what uni expects from you!” Dan says, teasing. “But seriously, it fucking sucks. Uni was meant to be my freedom from this shitty town and I got three weeks in the light before hell pulled me back under.”

Phil looks down guiltily.

“What?” Dan asks, noticing Phil’s mood change.

“Nothing, I just– nevermind.”

“No. What’s wrong?”

“I just feel bad. Here I am complaining about my thesis and stuff. I’m a lot luckier than you, I know.”

Dan smiles. “Just ‘cause my situation is shittier than yours doesn’t mean you can’t complain.”

Phil shrugs but shakes his head and smiles, back to his happy self. Dan wishes he could do that – just switch from feeling sad to as happy as can be.

~~~~

“Hey Phil,” Dan says distractedly.

Phil smiles. Dan’s rushing around his room in just his boxers. He hasn’t seemed to realise he’s practically naked in front of Phil yet.

“Hi,” Phil says, still staring at Dan. He can’t help it; his boyfriend’s attractive.

“Sorry, I was doing uni just before you called and I can’t find my fucking textbook. I think I may have left it at the dorms.”

“Oh no! What would happen if you did?”

“I have no clue but I need that textbook.”

“Maybe you’ll have to come up here and get it.”

Dan laughs. “With covid? I think it’s more likely they’d just say ‘get fucked’ and move on.”

“Uni isn’t that mean! Maybe they’ll ship it to you.”

Phil watches Dan ruffle through the big duffle bag shoved in the corner some more.

“No need!” Dan says, standing up. Through the pixelated screen, Phil can see a rectangular object in Dan’s hand.

“Found it?” he asks even though he knows the answer.

“Yep.”

Dan takes a seat and adjusts the laptop so it’s facing him directly. Phil assumes he checks the viewfinder, too, as, a few seconds later, he’s blushing and crossing his arms to cover his body.

“Sorry,” he says, shy.

“It’s okay,” Phil says, laughing lightly.

Dan relaxes a little but Phil can tell he’s still uncomfortable.

“I can close my eyes while you grab a shirt and pants, if you want?” he offers.

Dan’s shoulders sag and he sighs, clearly relieved. “Thank you.”

Phil closes his eyes and he hears some shuffling through his headphones.

Then Dan’s telling him he can look again, so he opens his eyes back up.

“Hello,” he says, smiling. Dan’s still just as gorgeous when he’s clothed.

“Hi,” Dan says. He’s still blushing and Phil feels light as he hears Dan giggle. “Um, do you mind if I do work while we call? They aren’t easing us back in after the break so I have to write two summaries of court cases.”

Phil shakes his head. “Go ahead,” he says, gesturing for Dan to do so. He realises shortly after that his hands weren’t even in shot but it doesn’t matter.

“How have you been anyway?” Dan asks, staring intently at his desk.

Despite Dan not looking, Phil doesn’t doubt he’ll pay attention when he answers.

“Pretty good. How are you?”

“Alright.” Before Phil gets a chance to ask if anything’s happened, Dan’s swearing. “Fuck this summary. Seriously, it sucks ass. The case isn’t even interesting. Couldn’t we summarise a murder or something?”

“What’s it about?” Phil asks.

“Some guy who was speeding and refuses to admit it. I think the judge decided he wasn’t guilty despite literal fucking video evidence? I’m not sure why they’re showing us a shit case. Like, did the other lawyer even try? God, this is gonna be my life, isn’t it?”

Phil frowns. “Dan,” he says, getting the boy’s attention.

“If you don’t like law, you can change, okay?”

“My dad would never let me change to what I want to.”

Phil tilts his head at that. They’ve had this conversation before, sure. But Dan’s never mentioned knowing what he’d want to change to. It’s always been ‘I have to do this until I find something else’ even though Dan clearly hates it.

“What would you change to, if you could?”

Dan smiles. “I think maybe the arts,” he says though it sounds more like a question. “In creative writing. I used to do it with my Nana all the time. I really enjoy creating stories but I haven’t in years ‘cause–” Dan cuts himself off, laughing. “Sorry.”

“No no, go on. Why haven’t you written in years?”

Dan shakes his head. “Nevermind.”

Phil doesn’t question Dan’s answer. He simply changes the topic, sensing that the current one was a bit sour for Dan.

“Guess what my mum wants me to do,” he says.

Dan tilts his head. Phil spares a second to observe how cute he looks. “What?” Dan asks.

“Gardening. She wants to start her veggie garden again and wants me to help. I don’t know the last thing about gardening! I used to help her as a kid after school but that was more running around in the sprinklers than actually helping,” Phil laughs, rubbing the back of his neck. “I hadn’t meant to tell you that last part.”

Dan laughs. “You’re a goof,” he says.

“Hey!” Phil says, mock offended. “But seriously, gardening? ‘I have other hobbies now, _Mum_ , geez.’”

Dan looks back down at his work but Phil knows he’s still listening.

“Gardening _sucks_. Have you ever done it? It’s all gross and dirty and the flowers can be pretty but Mum’s not even _planting_ flowers. She’s planting fucking vegetables that I’ll have to eat. I’ll probably die of some disease from the dirt and she’ll be all ‘at least his last meal had a carrot’ or something. I–”

Dan looks up, cutting Phil off.

“Sh– sugar, Dan. Are you okay?”

Dan wipes his face. “I’m fine,” he says, though he’s clearly anything but fine.

“Is something wrong?”

Dan shakes his head, opening and closing his mouth like a fish out of water. He sighs. “My parents couldn’t care less what I’m doing.”

Phil closes his mouth, which had fallen open in shock from Dan crying.

“I’m sorry,” Phil says straight away.

“No, it’s fine. Like I said, just cause my parents don’t care doesn’t mean you can’t complain about your parents caring too much.”

Phil shakes his head. “But I care about you; I don’t want to upset you.” His eyebrows furrow as a beeping sound comes from his computer. The skype call disconnected. He has no idea at what point during his sentence that Dan disconnected. He hopes Dan at least heard most of it.

He quickly types out a message to Dan.

_9:34 pm – To Danisnotonfire: What happened?_

_9:39 pm – From Danisnotonfire: Internet cut out, sorry._

Phil nods his head. That makes sense. It’s late at night and everyone’s stuck at home. He knows from the past two weeks that the internet is always the worst at night.

He presses the call button again on his laptop but a few seconds later it stops. _Danisnotonfire is unavailable right now. Try again?_

Phil’s in the process of typing out a message to Dan, to check what’s going on, when his phone pings.

_9:41 pm – From Danisnotonfire: I really need to focus on uni, sorry._

Phil sighs. He knows what Dan says is true, but he also knows Dan’s probably saying it because he’s upset and it’s a good excuse. He decides to leave him alone for a while. He probably just needs some time to calm down.

A few hours later, just past midnight, Phil sends him a message.

_12:06 am – To Danisnotonfire: I’m heading to sleep now. Sorry if I upset you, I didn’t mean to._

Phil never gets a reply. He stays up for ten minutes, staring blankly at his phone waiting for those three dots to appear. They don’t. He sighs and clicks his phone off, pushing it onto his bedside table. He rolls over and closes his eyes which are now sore from staring at his phone in the complete dark.

He snuggles deep into his bed since the night air is still cold. The Sandman puts him to sleep quickly.

~~~~

Dan’s already stressed and it’s only the third day back at uni. Learning to use all the systems was difficult and he didn’t even have any support. Phil had used them a little bit throughout his degree, but not nearly as much as Dan’s going to during the pandemic.

He’s reading the new subject outlines when his phone starts buzzing.

_AmazingPhil calling…_

Dan hadn’t even realised it was time for their nightly call. He presses the accept button quickly. He’s not sure when that became an automatic response.

“Hey!” he says happily. “How are you?”

“Hi! I’m actually really good. I got a heap of research for my thesis done today.”

“That’s good,” Dan says smiling.”

“How are you?”

“I’m alright. My Dad was at work all day, which was nice. Weekend’s suck literal ass.”

Phil laughs. “I’m glad. Like, that today was good. Not that weekend’s suck.”

“Phil, you are probably the least good person at using that thing called English,” Dan says, laughing.

He sticks his tongue out. “Say’s you! Mr ‘least good’!”

Dan rolls his eyes playfully. “That was a joke, Phil.”

“Oh.”

Dan feels his cheeks start to hurt from smiling too hard. While he calls Phil every night, he’s missed him. Dan’s days aren’t filled with much excitement. It’s mostly studying and doing the ‘manly’ jobs in the house such as mowing the lawn. He’s not sure when that became a ‘man’s’ job, but he knows not to bring that up to his mum, or God forbid, his dad.

“Yeah.”

Dan sees Phil frown then, and he remembers the previous night. He’s not sure why, but he really doesn’t want to talk about it. So he doesn’t. Instead, he beats Phil to the new topic point.

“How was family day? You never did get to say.”

“It was good,” Phil says, smiling again. “We watched ‘Liar Liar’ which I haven’t seen in years. It’s really funny. Have you seen it?”

Dan looks off to the side, trying to remember. “Is that the one with the lawyer who can’t lie?” When Phil nods, Dan smiles. “Then yeah, I think I saw it last year.”

“Was it weird to watch knowing you’ll be Jim Carrey?”

“I don’t think I’ll ever be in a situation where I physically can’t lie because of my five-year-old’s birthday wish,” Dan says, laughing.

“You never know!”

They talk for a few minutes more before Dan interrupts Phil mid-sentence.

“I’m so sorry but I suddenly got the need to pee really bad so I’ll be back,” Dan says, already taking his headphones out as he speaks.

He rushes to the bathroom and after washing his hands, he heads back to his room.

“Oh my god, sorry,” Dan says, blushing a little.

“No problem. It happens sometimes.”

“Yeah,” Dan agrees, still laughing awkwardly.

After that, Phil continues back to his story about Martyn teasing him. Dan thinks he’s silly, but not in a bad way. Phil’s need for cuddles is cute, and something Dan can definitely see himself providing if their relationship survives quarantine.

~~~~

It’s the next day when Dan overhears something he shouldn’t. He doesn’t mean to; it’s not like he purposely tries to eavesdrop. But it happens.

Dan’s walking down the hallway to his bedroom when he hears his Dad talking. His mum’s out in the garden, he knows that because he just left her out there. So he quickly assumes his dad’s on the phone.

“Congrats, man. That’s huge. Wish him the best.”

There’s a pause, which Dan assumes the other person is talking.

“But the important question, is she pregnant?”

Dan cups his ear to the door. He knows he shouldn’t. But he’s curious. He knows most if not all of his dad’s friends. And he’s met most of their families. This girl could be someone he knows.

He realises the phones either quite loud, or quietly on speaker, though, as he can hear the man’s reply.

“Not yet. But Max assures me she will be soon. She’s one of those ‘wait to be married’ girls, I think. I told him he didn’t have to wait since it’s her job as his lady but he seemed to think that’s not how it works. I dunno, man. Times have changed.”

Dan feels sick but is glad Max, as Dan found out, is waiting for his girlfriend to be comfortable.

“So when’s the wedding?”

So the girl’s Max’s fiancé, not girlfriend. Not that that changes anything about how she should be treated.

“They said Spring so next year, I reckon.”

“That gives me plenty of time to get Dan a girlfriend,” Dan’s dad says. He sounds happy about this, but then he huffs. “Though at this point I’m starting to think he’s a fairy or some shit.”

Dan’s eyes widen and he steps back, before quickly pushing himself back on the door to hear what the other man replies.

“Seriously? That’s disgusting. I know someone that can help, if you need it. My niece was a fag but got cured real nice by these people.”

“Huh, maybe.”

Dan pulls away from the door again and realises he’s got tears on his cheeks. His breath is fast and he’s starting to feel dizzy.

Who knows what those people would do to him. Dan wouldn’t put anything past them. He spares a brief second to hope the man’s niece is okay, but his mind is too cloudy to think if he knows the girl. Probably not.

He rushes back to his room and closes his door. He needs to find his phone. He needs to talk to Phil and see what he says. He’ll know what to do. He’s been through this stuff.

He shoves stuff off his desk, knowing his phone is there somewhere. His eyes are too clouded over to see clearly though, so he’s searching blind.

Eventually, he finds the cord charging his phone and he runs his fingers along it.

_5:56 pm – To AmazingPhil: Help_

_5:56 pm – From AmazingPhil: What’s wrong?_

_5:57 pm – To AmazingPhil: Can’t breathe_

_5:57 pm – From AmazingPhil: Panic attack?_

_5:57 pm – From AmazingPhil: Stay calm, ok? Deep breaths. Try counting to 3._

_5:57 pm – From AmazingPhil: It’ll be hard but focus and you’ll get there._

Dan tries, he really does. But he just _can’t_. His brain’s too foggy and his chest’s too tight. He’ll never be able to get air in. He’s going to suffocate. He’s going to die here and now and no one will even know.

_5:57 pm – To AmazingPhil: Can’t_

_5:58 pm – From AmazingPhil: You can. You can do this, Dan. Do you want to call?_

_5:59 pm – To AmazingPhil: No_

Despite his confusion, he’s sure he doesn’t want to call. He’s got tears and snot running down his face. His hair and face are oily since he hasn’t showered. He’s a true and utter mess.

_5:59 pm – From AmazingPhil: You sure? I can help._

_5:59 pm – To AmazingPhil: Don’t want you seeing me like this._

The text bubbles appear and disappear repeatedly. Dan types a quick reply first.

_6:03 pm – To AmazingPhil: I’m ok._

It’s not a lie. Simply talking to Phil helped his heart calm and Dan can’t be more thankful.

_6:04 pm – From AmazingPhil: You sure? How’s your breathing?_

_6:04 pm – To AmazingPhil: Yeah. Fine now. Sorry._

_6:04 pm – From AmazingPhil: Don’t be sorry._

_6:04 pm – To AmazingPhil: I’m still sorry._

_6:05 pm – From AmazingPhil: :(_

_6:05 pm – From AmazingPhil: I’m still happy to call, if you want._

_6:06 pm – To AmazingPhil: I haven’t showered._

_6:06 pm – From AmazingPhil: You’re beautiful regardless. How about you run a bath and use a nice bath bomb?_

Dan frowns. He thought Phil would want to help him but even Phil’s trying to get rid of him.

 _Who would want you, though?_ the voice at the back of Dan’s mind says. He’s really sick of it constantly being around now.

It was like this when he was younger. When he was bullied daily for things out of his control.

He shakes his head. He doesn’t want to think about it. Instead, he focuses back on Phil.

_6:07 pm – To AmazingPhil: I don’t want you to leave._

He doesn’t mean to say it. It just sort of happens. His fingers type and he’s hitting send before he realises what he’s written.

_6:07 pm – From AmazingPhil: I’ll be here when you get out._

_Yeah right. Everyone leaves you. Phil won’t be any different. You’re annoying._

_6:07 pm – To AmazingPhil: I’m scared_

_6:07 pm – From AmazingPhil: A bath will make you feel better. I promise I’m not going anywhere._

_6:08 pm – To AmazingPhil: Can I bring you with me? My phone, I mean._

_6:08 pm – From AmazingPhil: Don’t think quarantine would approve of bathing together ;) but I’ll let you take your phone so you will actually have a bath._

Dan makes his way to the bathroom and puts his phone down. After the temperature is set and the plug is in, he starts stripping his clothes. His phone pings. Then pings again a second later.

_6:10 pm – From AmazingPhil: Naked yet? ;)_

_6:10 pm – From AmazingPhil: jk haha_

Dan smiles at Phil’s attempt at a joke. His head’s still cloudy and his chest is still tight, but the sun’s starting to come through and the air’s getting easier to breathe.

_6:10 pm – To AmazingPhil: Getting in the bath now._

He settles himself into the water. It’s probably a little warm, but the heat on his skin feels nice.

_6:11 pm – From AmazingPhil: How are you feeling?_

_6:11 pm – To AmazingPhil: Like I’m sitting in 2 cm of water?_

_6:11 pm – From AmazingPhil: Touche_

He leans back into the bathtub, which is cold on his back. He warms up soon though, as the bath starts filling. Once it’s full, he puts the bath bomb in. It explodes into greens and blues and is overall, very pretty. It’s not his bath bomb; it’s his mother’s. He’ll have to replace it before she has another bath.

_6:16 pm – To AmazingPhil: Waters nice [image]_

He sends a photo of the water. It’s nothing more than innocent seeing as the blues and greens cover the surface of the water. He triple-checked before hitting send, too.

_6:16 pm – From AmazingPhil: That looks amazing!_

_6:16 pm – From AmazingPhil: Relax now. Message if you need me :D_

Dan does as he says. He puts his phone down on the toilet, which is just in reach, and closes his eyes. He briefly imagines doing this in the future, maybe with Phil behind him. They could wear face masks and cucumbers and fully pamper both themselves and each other. The idea sounds so appetising to Dan and he can’t help but relax into the bath further, even if it pushes his knees out of the water.

He’s minding his own business, thinking of a future with Phil in it, when his mind supplies some knowledge he’s been choosing to ignore.

He has to come out. Well, he doesn’t _have_ to. Plenty of people don’t. But Dan finds himself wanting to. And he’s not sure if that’s good because he’s clearly not internally or externally homophobic, or bad because he’s not entirely sure it’s safe for him to do so. Especially after his father’s conversation that he overheard, causing this whole ordeal.

But after the ideas there, he just can’t seem to get rid of it. He runs scenario after scenario of him coming out in his head. None of them end well.

Dan dries his hands on the towel and grabs his phone. He needs to get Phil’s opinion on this. If Phil thinks it’s a bad idea, case closed. He won’t do it. But if Phil thinks it’s a good idea…

_6:23 pm – To AmazingPhil: I’m going to come out._

It’s not ten seconds later when he gets a reply.

_6:23 pm – From AmazingPhil: Is that a good idea?_

Dan frowns. Phil’s supposed to be happy for him. He’s willing and ready to do this and Phil just asks if it’s a good idea. Dan starts second-guessing himself. Maybe the whole thought was terrible and it should remain no more than a thought. It would certainly avoid any probably-likely negative outcomes.

_6:24 pm – To AmazingPhil: I can’t live like this. I need them to know._

Dan’s not sure why he’s suddenly so sure of the right course of action. He messaged Phil to help him decide. But the second his message came through, Dan knew exactly the option he was going with.

_6:24 pm – From AmazingPhil: If it’s what you need to do, then of course do it._

_6:25 pm – From AmazingPhil: I’m just not sure if it’s safe since you can’t leave the house if it goes bad._

_6:25 pm – To AmazingPhil: Yeah I know. But I don’t have a choice. If they don’t accept me, then that’s their fault._

_6:25 pm – To AmazingPhil: There’s nothing wrong with me._

_6:26 pm – From AmazingPhil: Of course there’s not._

_6:26 pm – From AmazingPhil: I trust you, ok? Just be safe and message me after._

_6:26 pm – From AmazingPhil: And good luck! <3 _

Dan sighs, happy that Phil’s supporting him. And nervous because he’s now made the commitment of coming out to someone else.

_6:26 pm – To AmazingPhil: I’ll need it_

_6:27 pm – To AmazingPhil: <3 _

Dan says goodbye to Phil before climbing out of the bath. He’s only been in for ten minutes at most, but he’s impatient now. His mind’s reeling in both a good and bad way, and he can already feel the adrenaline coursing through him.

His family eats dinner in silence again. He doesn’t even try to fill it this time, his mind playing over how he’s going to do this. He’s determined, which he thinks is a good thing. But his chest is tight like earlier and that’s scaring him.

He helps clean up afterwards. Partially because he needs to stay downstairs with them and partially because he wants to start this conversation as soon as possible so he doesn’t lose his nerve.

“Okay,” he says, mostly to himself.

His parents are sitting in front of him on the couch. He’s standing because he’s too anxious to sit.

“Firstly, I just want to say that this doesn’t change anything. I’m still the exact same. The only thing that’s going to change is that you’re aware of it.”

His mother nods for him to continue. She’s clearly concerned whatever Dan’s about to say is terrible. Maybe that he’s addicted to something harmful. Maybe what he’s going to say is worse than that in her eyes.

“In this century, we aren’t raised to value women less.”

“How old do you think we are?” his dad interrupts, clearly unimpressed.

“No, that’s not what I meant,” Dan says, correcting himself. “I’m just saying that women and men are seen as equals. Women aren’t only there to raise the children and tend to the house. Men aren’t only there to bring money home. Some men enjoy helping around the house. And plenty of women and mothers have jobs.”

“I bloody well know that.”

“Honey, please just let Dan speak,” his mother requests. Dan’s father rolls his eyes but gestures for Dan to continue.

“Thank you. Anyway, I did a quick google search and found out that boob size has absolutely nothing to do with a baby’s health. But that’s not what this is about.”

Dan sighs and calms himself. “Women aren’t just there to bear children. Some women don’t want children. Some men don’t want children. And that’s okay.”

“Do you not want kids or something?” Dan’s father asks, clearly getting impatient.

Dan shakes his head. “No no, I want kids. But I don’t want a woman to bear them for me.”

“You need a lady to have kids, Dan. Jesus Christ, what do they teach you at school?”

He holds back a laugh. “I know a male and female are needed to have biological kids. But I want to adopt.”

“Why would you want to adopt?” his mum asks.

Dan wants to sigh and give up. They’re clearly not getting what he’s trying to say. In all honesty, his clues are pretty subtle, but he’d hoped they’d get it so he didn’t have to say this, well, in so many words.

He closes his eyes before looking briefly at his mother and then at his father.

“I met someone at university. I didn’t want to tell you in case you didn’t like them.”

Dan’s father looks pleasantly surprised. “Oh. Well, who’s the lucky lady?” His mother lightly pats him on the arm before looking back at Dan.

“Is this person at uni actually a nice _lady_?” she asks.

Dan smiles because finally, they’ve got it.

“My significant other is a man, Phil.”

There’s silence in the household and Dan swallows the lump in his throat.

“I’m gay,” he says. “I don’t want a woman to bear my children. I want to raise adopted kids, with a _man_ by my side.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooh! Did Dan make the right decision? Or will it ruin everything? Let me know what you think will happen next!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yikes it’s been a little while, sorry about that! The next chapter’s coming on Saturday and then hopefully the last chapter will be on Wednesday next week (but no promises)!
> 
> TW: Panic attacks, mentions of death, homophobic slurs.

_5:56 pm – From Danisnotonfire: Help_

Phil’s reading through his emails when the message comes through. At first, he thinks it may be his mum telling him to come help with dinner, since she’d mentioned that earlier. But when he sees the name attached to the message, he opens it right away.

_5:56 pm – To Danisnotonfire: What’s wrong?_

_5:57 pm – From Danisnotonfire: Can’t breathe_

Phil’s mind reels, trying desperately to work out what could be wrong. Is Dan dying? Is he having some kind of horrific medical emergency which will lead to his death? Is Phil going to be the last person Dan talks to, _ever_?

He realises though, that none of those are likely. Dan’s smart and old enough to know to contact triple nine if there’s an actual emergency. That leaves only one thing that Phil can think of.

_5:57 pm – To Danisnotonfire: Panic attack?_

_5:57 pm – To Danisnotonfire: Stay calm, ok? Deep breaths. Try counting to 3._

_5:57 pm – To Danisnotonfire: It’ll be hard but focus and you’ll get there._

Phil’s fingers fly across the keyboard, typing out three consecutive messages. He hopes Dan’s eyes haven’t clouded over too much to see them. He remembers the one panic attack he’s had in his life.

It was right after he’d found out his best friend had passed away. He was only a child. He didn’t understand the concept of death. All he knew was that his best friend had gone away, and would never ever come back.

He’s pulled from his thoughts by his phone going off.

_5:57 pm – From Danisnotonfire: Can’t_

Phil blinks the tears from his eyes away so he can reply. He’s gotten past Mason, he really has. But no matter how much time has passed, losing a best friend, when they were so young at that, is not something anyone really forgets.

_5:58 pm – To Danisnotonfire: You can. You can do this, Dan. Do you want to call?_

Phil hadn’t really planned to write that. He’s sitting shirtless in his bed, not at all in a ready-to-call state. But if Dan needs him, he’ll do anything.

_5:59 pm – From Danisnotonfire: No_

_5:59 pm – To Danisnotonfire: You sure? I can help._

_5:59 pm – From Danisnotonfire: Don’t want you seeing me like this._

Phil frowns but he understands. He remembers being ashamed before. He remembers not wanting to be seen at any cost. He can imagine it’s ten times worse during an attack.

Still, he’s not quite sure what to say. It’s fine, and he should say that. But at the same time, it’s clearly not fine. _Dan’s_ clearly not fine. He doesn’t get a chance to reply though, as his phone pings with another message.

_6:03 pm – From Danisnotonfire: I’m ok._

Phil breathes a sigh of relief. But then realises maybe Dan’s just scared of Phil’s reaction. Phil wouldn’t put anything past Dan at this point.

_6:04 pm – To Danisnotonfire: You sure? How’s your breathing?_

_6:04 pm – From Danisnotonfire: Yeah. Fine now. Sorry._

_6:04 pm – To Danisnotonfire: Don’t be sorry._

_6:04 pm – From Danisnotonfire: I’m still sorry._

_6:05 pm – To Danisnotonfire: :(_

_6:05 pm – To Danisnotonfire: We can still call, if you want._

_6:06 pm – From Danisnotonfire: I’m still gross, I haven’t showered._

Phil understands. He hasn’t showered either. With nowhere to go, only his parents ever see him. And they’ve seen him worse. Besides, they’re not allowed to judge him. They’re his parents.

_6:06 pm – To Danisnotonfire: You’re still beautiful. How about you run a bath and use a nice bath bomb?_

_6:07 pm – From Danisnotonfire: I don’t want you to leave._

_Oh,_ Phil’s brain supplies. He re-reads the message because he’s pretty sure he never said anything about leaving Dan.

He’s not really sure what Dan means, but chooses not to question it. Dan’s fragile right now and Phil really doesn’t want to upset him.

This Dan – post-panic-attack Dan – kind of reminds Phil of hospital Dan. Except now, Dan’s a lot less open. He’d love to give Dan a hug at this point but they’re a three-hour train ride apart. So instead, he settles to limit Dan’s fears.

_6:07 pm – To Danisnotonfire: I’ll be here when you get out._

_6:07 pm – From Danisnotonfire: I’m scared_

Phil’s realised this much, but it still hurts him to see it written out.

_6:07 pm – To Danisnotonfire: A bath will make you feel better. I promise I’m not going anywhere._

_6:08 pm – From Danisnotonfire: Can I bring you with me? My phone, I mean._

He smiles. It may be risky – taking a phone anywhere near water always is – but Phil thinks it’s sweet that Dan wants to take that risk just so Phil can stay with him.

Well, cute. And a little worrying considering the situation they’re in. Phil hopes Dan isn’t afraid of Phil leaving to the point that he’s taking unnecessary risks.

_6:08 pm – To Danisnotonfire: Don’t think quarantine would approve of bathing together ;) but I’ll let you take your phone so you will actually have a bath._

_6:10 pm – To Danisnotonfire: Naked yet? ;)_

Phil laughs after he types the message and types out another quickly.

_6:10 pm – To Danisnotonfire: jk haha_

_6:10 pm – From Danisnotonfire: Getting in the bath now._

_6:11 pm – To Danisnotonfire: How are you feeling?_

Phil’s probably asking too many questions, but he’s worried. Maybe Dan having a bath was a bad idea. Phil remembers how exhausted he was after his panic attack.

What if Dan falls asleep in the bath? What if he drowns? What if Phil, single-handedly, is the cause for Dan’s death?

_6:11 pm – From Danisnotonfire: Like I’m sitting in 2 cm of water?_

Phil laughs and rolls his eyes. Dan makes a good point. And Phil feels a little better knowing Dan’s comfortable enough right now to make a joke.

_6:11 pm – To Danisnotonfire: Touche_

It’s a while before the next message. Phil’s put on a shirt by now and is pulling pants onto his body.

_6:16 pm – From Danisnotonfire: Water’s nice [image]_

Phil stares at the photo Dan’s sent. It’s just bathwater, nothing exciting, but Phil can tell he’s used an expensive bath bomb. The cheap ones from the supermarket barely change the colour’s water. This bomb has changed the whole tub. Its blues and greens make Phil want to hop on a train just to use the water after Dan, in a non-creepy way.

_6:16 pm – To Danisnotonfire: That looks amazing!_

_6:16 pm – To Danisnotonfire: Relax now. Message if you need me :D_

Dan must do as he says, because it’s a while before the next message comes through. It surprises him at first. It makes sense that Dan’s thinking about it, but the idea that he’s ready to hadn’t occurred to Phil.

_6:23 pm – From Danisnotonfire: I’m going to come out._

He types his reply quickly.

_6:23 pm – To Danisnotonfire: Is that a good idea?_

He feels bad. Almost as if he’s saying that Dan should just stay in the closet, which Phil doesn’t think at all. But Phil can’t help but think of what Dan’s told him. His homophobic father. His always-agreeing mother. Surely it wouldn’t be a good idea to come out. Especially when Dan’s living there. After quarantine, when he’s returning to uni, sure. But right now? Phil can’t stop himself from thinking the worst.

_6:24 pm – From Danisnotonfire: I can’t live like this. I need them to know._

Phil gets that, he really does, so he pushes his worries away and supports Dan.

_6:24 pm – To Danisnotonfire: If it’s what you need to do, then of course do it._

He can’t stop himself from raising his concerns.

_6:25 pm – To Danisnotonfire: I’m just not sure if it’s safe since you can’t leave the house if it goes bad._

_6:25 pm – From Danisnotonfire: Yeah I know. But I don’t have a choice. If they don’t accept me, then that’s their fault._

_6:25 pm – From Danisnotonfire: There’s nothing wrong with me._

Phil smiles. He’s not sure if it’s happy or sad. Happy, because Dan knows being gay isn’t wrong. Or sad, because he actually has to say that.

_6:26 pm – To Danisnotonfire: Of course there’s not._

_6:26 pm – To Danisnotonfire: I trust you, ok? Just be safe and message me after._

_6:26 pm – To Danisnotonfire: And good luck! <3 _

_6:26 pm – From Danisnotonfire: I’ll need it_

_6:27 pm – From Danisnotonfire: <3 _

Phil stares at his phone for another two minutes until he sees that Dan’s logged off.

He’s not really sure what to do now. He really can’t do uni, not when he knows that Dan’s about to change his life forever.

He decides to go downstairs and see what his mum’s up to. Maybe she can help distract him until Dan messages him with an update.

“Hey, Mum,” he says, swinging on the railing of the bottom step to turn around towards the kitchen.

“Hi, honey,” she says in reply. She’s making something. What, Phil can’t tell.

He decides to ask, “What are you making?”

“Dinner, of course,” she says, teasing. “Lasagña.”

“Yummy.”

She looks up, squinting her eyes at him.

“Somethings up,” she says, pointing the sauce-covered spoon at him. “Tell me.”

Phil smiles. Of course she knows something’s wrong. She’s his mother. She always knows when there’s something even slightly off with her sons.

“Dan,” Phil says, sighing.

She puts the spoon down and turns to give Phil her full attention.

“What’s he done?”

“No, he hasn’t done anything, don’t worry.”

She gestures for him to explain.

“It’s just that– he’s, um, decided to come out, I guess,” he says, the end turning into more of a question.

“To his parents?”

Phil nods.

“Oh, blimey.”

He laughs. “Yeah.”

“You said they were homophobic, didn’t you?”

Phil nods again. “He had a panic attack like fifteen minutes ago. I don’t know what happened but I’m worried that doing this isn’t a good idea.”

“Why would it not be?” She’s not arguing with Phil. She’s simply trying to understand the situation. She’s listening to Phil and giving him support.

“Because if anything goes wrong, he’s stuck at home.”

Phil’s brain starts supplying all the worst-case scenarios. What if his dad kicks him out? What if he ends up homeless during a global pandemic? What if–?

“Phil,” his mum says, interrupting his train of thought, “I can see all those cogs wearing in your head. He’ll be okay, love.”

“But what if he’s not?”

She sighs but Phil knows she isn’t fed up with him.

“How about we watch a movie? That’ll take your mind off things. Dinner can wait. Is he going to get back to you when he can?”

Phil nods. “He said he would.”

“So keep your phone with you. We can watch a movie until he gets back to you. Just so you don’t spend the next however long worrying yourself to an early grave.”

Phil’s not sure because he wants to keep his eyes glued to his phone so he doesn’t miss anything. But she gestures him through to the lounge and when she puts on his favourite Disney movie as a kid, he’s easily drawn in.

He laughs at the film’s shenanigans along with his mother, to the point that he actually forgets about Dan for a little bit.

His dad arrives home partway through. He doesn’t say anything and just sits down to watch the movie as well. He gets a good few laughs in before the end.

When the credits start rolling, he automatically checks his phone. It hasn’t gone off all movie, he knows that. But there’s still something about checking that’s relieving. He knows for certain he hasn’t missed anything then.

But then he realises that he actually _wants_ his phone to go off. He wants to see the little notification from skype saying that he has a new message. He feels a little guilty at forgetting but he tries to push that away. Distractions aren’t bad. In fact, if he hadn’t been distracted, he’d probably have eaten his phone in frustration by now.

“Hey Mum,” Phil says, getting her attention. She was conversing quietly with her husband but quickly turned to Phil when he spoke up.

“What’s up?” she asks.

“Dan hasn’t messaged,” he says simply, holding up his phone as if she could see the lack of notifications on an off screen. “I’m gonna give him a call to check up on him.”

She nods. “I think that’s a good idea. Let me know how it goes, okay?”

Phil agrees and heads out of the room to go upstairs into his bedroom.

After closing his door, he sits on the bed and takes a deep breath. He’s not sure why he’s so nervous. He’s not the one to have just come out. But he cares about Dan, so he supposes it makes sense.

He presses call next to Dan’s username and hears the familiar skype calling tune. Thirty seconds later, it disconnects.

_Danisnotonfire is unavailable right now. Try again?_

Phil does. And again. And again. He calls four times in total before giving up. Either Dan’s busy – aka doesn’t have his phone because he’s been kicked out – or he doesn’t want to talk. Phil has to respect the latter, which he really hopes is the reason. He types out a message because skype doesn’t have voicemail.

_8:22 pm – To Danisnotonfire: Hope everything went ok! I’m a little worried since you won’t pick up but I hope you’re safe! You deserve to be safe and happy, Dan. I hope you know that. You also deserve to love and to be loved by whoever you want (but I’d love for that whoever to be me <3). _

He goes to inform his mother next because she’s a worrier just like him. Sure, she’s never met Dan and knows very little about him. But his mother is an overly caring person and Phil has no doubt that she’ll be hoping for the best for Dan.

~~~~

_Incoming call from Danisnotonfire: Accept. Decline._

Phil clicks accept within seconds. It’s the next day now, and Phil hasn’t heard from Dan at all since his bath.

He doesn’t mean to, but the first thing he does when Dan’s camera connects is look around the background. He sighs; it’s familiar. He hates to admit it, but he’d half-expected Dan’s background to be that of a homeless shelter.

Next, he checks Dan for any signs of his mood. He can’t collect much information, though, since Dan’s face is completely neutral.

“Hey!” Phil says happily. He’s still worried but seeing that Dan’s at home, the situation can’t be too bad.

“Hi, Phil,” Dan says. His voice sounds a little hoarse which Phil can only assume is from crying. He doesn’t look like he’s been crying, but Phil can’t think of a single other reason for Dan’s voice to sound like it does.

“How are you?” he asks. Dan glances to his side before looking back at Phil.

“Good, thanks. How are you?”

Phil smiles. He’s still not sure he believes Dan; the boy is being strangely stoic. “I’m good. I was really worried about you, though.”

Dan glances away again before looking back at Phil.

“I’m sorry,” he says.

“No, no,” Phil says, shaking his head. “You don’t need to be sorry.”

Dan nods and opens his mouth to say something before he closes it again.

“Do you want to share how it went?” Phil asks in what he hopes is a reassuring voice. He doesn’t want to scare Dan because the one thing he’s picked up on from this weird conversation is that Dan’s about ready to bolt.

“Dad wasn’t happy. I expected that much though. I mean, I had a fucking panic attack because of him.”

“Yesterday? Or did you have another one?”

“The one before the bath,” Dan confirms. “Mum started crying and saying she was sorry if she ever made me feel unloved.”

Phil smiles, happy at least one of Dan’s parents were supportive.

“Overall, I’m happy with how it went. I mean, Dad said some awful shit but hey, he didn’t kick me out.”

“The bar is set pretty low, though, huh?”

Dan smiles. “The bars at the bottom of the ocean. And you know very well how deep that is.”

Phil laughs at Dan’s joke, if it could be called that.

“But seriously,” he says. “You’re okay with how it went? You don’t feel stuck there?”

“Well of course I feel stuck here, we’re in quarantine. But I don’t feel any more stuck than I did this time yesterday.”

“I’m glad.”

“Me too,” Dan says. “I’m– it’s weird. I didn’t think it’d make much of a difference to me. But I feel so much lighter with them knowing. I don’t have this massive secret to hide anymore.”

“That’s really good. You know, Dan, I’m proud of you.”

Dan tilts his head. “Why? I haven’t done anything.”

“You have,” Phil insists. “Coming out is super scary, especially when you don’t think your parents will approve. You’re really, _really_ brave.”

Dan looks away, blushing now. “I didn’t do anything that hasn’t been done before.”

Phil laughs sadly. “Stop trying to belittle your achievements, Dan. It’s a huge deal and you should be proud of yourself.”

He shrugs. “I guess I kind of am. I don’t know.”

“I’ll take ‘I don’t know’ over nothing!” Phil says, smiling now.

Dan smiles and looks back at the camera.

“Thank you,” he says.

Now it’s Phil’s turn to tilt his head. “What did I do?”

“You were there for me. You still are. I just– no one’s ever been on my side before. I’ve always done everything alone. It’s just nice to have someone rooting for me.”

Phil smiles, even though his heart is panging with sadness for Dan’s past.

“I don’t plan to stop rooting for you for a very long time,” he says.

Dan closes his eyes and leans back. Phil assumes he’s taking in the words Dan says; at least that’s what it looks like he’s doing.

He opens his eyes again.

“How’s your mum’s garden going?”

Phil smiles wide. “Good!” he says, excited.

He’s been working in the backyard for a few hours every day, slaving over soil and seeds.

“Mum let me–”

“Shh!” Dan says quickly, interrupting him.

Phil goes quiet right away, worried.

“Daniel,” a voice says. It sounds rough.

“Yes, Dad?”

“I wanted to have a chat,” he says. Phil sees Dan stiffen but he doesn’t move to disconnect the call. He wants to remind Dan that he’s there, in case this is meant to be private, but he doesn’t know if making his presence known to Dan’s dad is a good idea.

“What is it?”

“You.”

“Oh,” Dan says, and even Phil can hear the fear in his voice.

“More specifically, you being a faggot.”

“Oh,” Dan says, and now he sounds more sad than scared. He’s shrunk in on himself and has crossed his arms protectively.

“I spoke with your mother,” he says. And these pauses are driving Phil mad. He can’t imagine how Dan feels. “I don’t agree that what you feel is right. In fact, I don’t think there’s much in the world that’s worse than being a faggot.”

Phil feels like he himself is being attacked by Dan’s dad.

“But–” he continues. “I realise it’s not something you can control. I will support you until you finish university, as I promised I would. However, I would like you to stay on a career path to something professional and respectable. Like becoming a lawyer. Do I make myself clear?”

Phil sees Dan Adam's apple bob as he swallows.

“Yes, Dad,” he says.

“Good.”

Phil hears some shuffling before the sound of a door closing. Dan turns back to the camera.

“I’m sorry about that,” he says.

“That’s alright. Just, um, you know I heard the whole thing, right?”

Dan nods. “Yeah, I wanted you to. I would have muted myself if I didn’t.”

“Oh,” Phil says, because what else is he supposed to say in this situation. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Dan shakes his head. “Please, just, forget about it. Tell me about the garden?” he asks, and who’s Phil to refuse his boyfriend’s request.

“Mum let me plant a small bed of flowers. I’m super excited for them to grow!”

“You’ll have to send me photos when they do.”

“I will!” There’s a pause. “Dad says we should get some bees to help.”

Dan looks concerned. “You’ll get stung!” he says.

Phil laughs. “That’s what I said. But Dad said the bees he’d get don’t have stingers. Apparently there are different types of bees and some don’t have stingers.”

“Oh! That’s cool! I thought all bees had them.”

“Me too,” Phil says. “But apparently not.”

There’s a pause in conversation for thirty seconds or so. A pause that long would have been awkward a month ago but Dan and Phil have called every night for a few weeks now. Silences are no longer weird or uncomfortable.

“Oh my god!” Phil says suddenly. “You’ll never guess what I learnt today.”

Dan laughs. “What?”

“Bees hold feet when they sleep!”

“I’m sorry, what?” Dan says but his raised eyebrows tell Phil he heard him perfectly fine.

“Yeah! Sometimes they curl up on flowers and lay head to tail. And then they’re feets all tangle together and they hold each other. It’s so cute! I’ll send a photo!”

“Wait, so you learnt about bees basically sixty-nining?”

Phil’s eyes blow wide. “Dan!” he says, chastising. “Oh my god, you can’t just say that!”

“You started it!” Dan says in defence.

“It’s _cute_! You made adorable bees cuddling together into a sex thing!”

“I’ll turn your mum into a sex thing,” Dan retorts, before choking on his own laughter. “Oh my god, I didn’t realise that would sound so bad.”

“Apologise this instant!” Phil demands, feigning upset.

“Hm,” Dan says thinking. “Yeah, I don’t think I will.”

“Daniel James Howell, apologise this instant!”

“And what are you gonna do? You’re a four-hour train ride away!”

Phil frowns but he’s happy as can be. “I’ll tell my mum! Then you’ll be forbidden from this household and she’ll lock me away. It’ll be like Romeo and Juliet. You’ll never see me again!” Phil wails, making Dan laugh harder.

“Wait wait wait, who’s Romeo and who’s Juliet in this situation?” he says, giggling.

“Well, obviously I’m Romeo. Big, strong,” he pauses, “insanely attractive. I mean, come on. I’m practically him already.”

Dan snorts as he laughs, which Phil thinks is adorable.

“Right, of course. And that makes me Juliet. The meek little girl waiting for a man to save her?”

“Have you even _read_ Romeo and Juliet? Juliet’s a badass! Seriously, she’s intelligent and conniving in the best way possible. It’s her idea to fake their deaths too! She’s actually a really strong female character, which was rare for the time period it was written in.”

Dan laughs. “Oh, so you’re a Shakespeare aficionado. Since when did you know so much about old-timey novels?”

“I did AP English,” Phil says.

Dan raises his eyebrow.

“But I’ve also watched a lot of videos lately analysing Shakespear,” Phil admits, grinning cheekily.

“And there’s the truth,” Dan says. “I knew Romeo was a fraud!”

“Hey!” Phil says, mock offence in his voice. “Romeo was a true sweetheart! All he wanted was Juliet to love him and to accept his love for her. He died for their love!”

“No, I’m pretty sure Juliet died for their love.”

“They both died for their love. Which is dumb, but anyway!”

Dan laughs. And Phil laughs with him.

Phil’s happy. Of course, he’s generally a happy person. But right now, with Dan being projected in his laptop screen from over 250 km away, Phil’s the happiest he’s ever been. And during a global pandemic, that’s saying something.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is a little late but it’s technically still Saturday. I had a lot more Christmas plans than I’d realised and only got around to editing just now.
> 
> TW: Intrusive thoughts, internalised homophobia, talk of domestic abuse, talk of depression, talk of suicidal thoughts, therapy.

_One month later…_

_What are you even doing here?_ the voice whispers to Dan. _No one loves you._

It’s late at night, when the voice gets worse. But it’s always around as of late. When he wakes up, when he showers, when he helps around the house, when he has dinner, when he changes into his pyjamas, when he climbs into bed, when he closes his eyes to fall asleep.

It’s always there. Always whispering spiteful things into his head. Things that he already knows but still doesn’t want to hear.

He’s given up on trying to get it to leave. Realistically, he knows it never will. It’s a part of his brain and he can’t exactly just go to a surgeon and have them cut the voice out.

_You’re just a faggot._

Dan rolls over. He can see out the window in this position. The moon’s not visible because it’s halfway through the sky by this time of night. But he can see some of the brighter starts. The ones that aren’t drowned by the pollution, like him.

He’s drowned by the pollution of his thoughts. His dad is the biggest coal mine in his thoughts. His mum is a newly-formed small stream, washing away a very small portion of all the pollution created by his father and the rest of the world.

There’s Phil too. He’s the one house in the whole city with solar panels and a sustainable food and water source. One house, among the hundreds, if not thousands, of others who drive petrol-only cars to the corner shop down the road and who look at Phil’s little house in disgust.

_You don’t deserve love._

Phil’s being drowned too, by the pollution in Dan’s head. Dan can see it, and he can’t do anything about it. His dad’s factory too big, Phil’s house too small. Phil’s solar panels don’t work from the brown-stained air. Phil’s plants can’t thrive either. Soon enough, Phil’s going to pack up his little self-sustaining house and move to a greener city. One with solar energy for every house; one where people walk, or take a bus if the distance is too great.

_He’s already leaving._

Dan closes his eyes. The stars aren’t helping anymore. They always help. But they aren’t anymore. There’s too much pollution in his mind to see the beauty of the stars. There’s no beauty left in his city.

He’s familiar with the fog from the factory. The pollution was worse a few years ago, if that’s even possible. But there was a light – a way out. A way to get rid of all the pollution with none of the endless work that may not even actually work.

The light had disappeared. His way out had disappeared. It was always there, a thought, but it was nothing more than a small flashlight in a house that had lost power.

When Dan closes his eyes that night, and envisions his filthy little brain city, he sees the light again. It’s not hidden. In fact, it’s more obvious than it’s ever been. It’s a lighthouse on the cliff, guiding lost civilians home. It’s more enticing than it’s ever been before.

~~~~

The voice comes back before Dan even opens his eyes in the morning.

_Good morning, little fairy._

Dan just blinks his eyes open and climbs out of bed. He checks to see if Phil’s messaged overnight. He hasn’t.

_Of course he hasn’t. Really thought you were smarter than to expect anything else. Should have known better._

Dan showers and gets dressed in a desperate attempt to quiet the voice. It doesn’t stop telling him how useless he is, despite the fact that he’s done things. It doesn’t stop telling him to disappear, either. That it would be easier for everyone. It’d be easier for him, too.

“Morning,” Dan says as he goes downstairs.

His Dad grunts in response, which is the best of the three responses Dan’s received since he came out. It’s always a grunt – he’s in a good mood – or an eye roll – he’s annoyed – or Dan’s straight-up ignored – he’s disgusted with Dan’s existence entirely.

“Hi,” Dan’s mum says. She has to speak quietly because Dan’s dad isn’t happy with her at the moment. She was late to make dinner last night. She’d had an accident and sprained her ankle falling down the stairs. Dan’s dad didn’t care; he wanted his dinner. So he said he didn’t want to hear her voice until he said so.

They both know better than to disobey him.

“How are you?” she asks, eyes pitiful.

“I’m good,” Dan says. It’s entirely a lie. The lighthouse from last night flashes to the front of his mind. He tells himself a lighthouse is normal. That every city on the shore has one.

“That’s good. Are pancakes okay?”

Dan nods and his mother returns to quietly making food.

Ten minutes later, Dan’s served a plate of hot pancakes with maple syrup and his father – who’s in the lounge – is given his pancakes and a glass of orange juice.

Dan’s mum comes back into the kitchen to wash up the utensils she used.

“I’ll wash up. Have a seat.”

She shakes her head and looks wearily towards the lounge. Dan knows what she means. If his dad saw her sitting down at this time of day, he would not be happy.

“At least let me help after he goes.”

She looks worried but eventually nods. She smiles at him gratefully and hobbles to the other side of the kitchen to get a new bottle of washing-up detergent.

~~~~

Dan’s on call with Phil. It’s really the only good part of his day now so Dan soaks it up as much as possible. Except university doesn’t care that he gets at most a few hours a day where the voice in his head isn’t as active. It’s still there, but it doesn’t get to say much when Phil’s always sharing weird stories or random facts he’s learnt.

It’s a welcomed break. A visit to the eco-house in his head, instead of the factory for another long shift.

Dan’s staring at his textbook. Phil’s typing away on his computer. He’s writing a script as a break from his thesis. He said he wants to try making some films from home. He knows he can’t go out, but his family home has a big garden with lots of trees. He’s excited to make something and that makes Dan excited too.

Well, it would, if he weren’t staring at the world’s most boring court case. He thought the one he summarised in his first week back after the break was boring. But compared to this, it was like going to Disney World as a five-year-old.

Dan doesn’t realise he’s crying until he notices a wet patch on his textbook. He’s actually _crying_ , and that’s embarrassing on his own but it’s only made worse by the fact that’ Phil’s just happened to glance up to check in on him.

Phil smiles and looks back down at his work, which hurts Dan on a whole new level.

 _He doesn’t care,_ the voice says.

Dan tries to think reasonably but he can’t. Phil _doesn’t_ care. He just saw Dan crying and he _doesn’t care_.

“Did you know there’s a university in New York that has a course on winemaking?” Phil says suddenly. Another random fact he’s learnt.

Dan hiccups. He’s really not in the mood to learn about winemaking courses, but he is in the mood to see Phil happy.

“What?” Dan asks, trying to hide the rawness of his voice. It works, because either Dan’s good at hiding things or because Phil doesn’t care enough to notice. Dan seriously hopes it’s the former. Because no one can know about the city in his head, about how polluted it’s gotten. No one will visit. Phil will pack up and leave. The stream will run dry. All that will be left is the evil factory and the lighthouse on the hill.

“Yeah!” Phil says, sounding excited.

It makes Dan smile, but it doesn’t last long as the voice sneers at him again. It tells him that Phil doesn’t care, that Phil will leave.

“It’s really cool. I mean, technically it’s a viticulture and enology course, but that’s just fancy talk for winemaking.”

“Doesn’t the US have a drinking age of twenty-one? Aren’t they worried all the students will get wine-drunk if they know how to make stuff?” Dan says, trying his best to be responsive in the conversation.

He really just wants to press the ‘end call’ button and curl up on his bed for his thoughts to envelop him. But he’s being brave. He’s being vulnerable, not that Phil seems to even notice.

“I mean I suppose not?” There’s a pause. “Can you imagine working on a vineyard? It’d be exhausting with so much walking!” Phil says, groaning obnoxiously.

Dan smiles and hiccups again. He doesn’t think he can laugh right now.

“It’d be really pretty there,” Dan says.

“Yeah, but you’re all the pretty I need.”

Dan feels his face heat up at that. He looks down, cheeks red.

“How are you managing quarantine?” Dan asks after a long enough pause for his cheeks to cool.

Phil shrugs. “It’s not too bad. I just have to manage my time more and make sure I don’t completely muck up my sleep cycle.”

Dan smiles and nods in agreement. “I miss the outdoors,” he says.

Phil gasps, which makes Dan sit up straight, he’s not sure why. “You, Daniel Howell, miss the outdoors?”

“Hey!” Dan frowns playfully and crosses his arms.

“It’s not my fault I was surprised! You don’t exactly seem like the type to seek outdoor adventures.”

“What kind of type do I seem like then?”

“The type who is an indoor-loving introvert who hisses when their mum opens the blind after three days of it being closed.”

Dan laughs, which feels nice to do again after his small breakdown.

“I feel sad not being able to go outside. Like, I’d stay in given the choice. But there’s just something about not even being able to that’s like inherently sad. Like, I almost didn’t get out of bed the other day. It was just too much effort. But when I can go outside, I could get some sunlight or whatever. It’d be a choice to stay in my duvet cave. Now it’s the only option.

Phil frowns and Dan notices his eyebrows are drawn in.

“Geez, Dan,” he says, huffing a laugh before he gets more serious. “You sound depressed.”

Dan can’t help it. His eyes well up with tears and before he knows it, they’re spilling down his face and onto his textbook again.

~~~~

Phil watches as Dan’s eyes fill with tears again and he’s quick to apologise. He knows Dan doesn’t like to be seen as vulnerable – he’s learnt that from observation – which is why he didn’t actively point out he was crying the first time. He just distracted Dan. And it worked, until now. When Dan’s upset again.

“Please stop crying, I’m sorry,” Phil says again, desperately wishing he could cuddle his boyfriend.

Dan’s eyes are red, as too is his nose. He sniffles loudly, but Phil doesn’t think it’s gross. If anything, it just makes him feel worse.

“I’ve felt like this before,” Dan says quietly. So quietly, Phil’s not entirely sure he’s supposed to have heard it. But at the same time, why else would Dan be speaking?

“Felt like what?” Phil asks.

Dan chokes on a sob. “Like there’s no escape.”

Phil frowns. “There’s always a way out, Dan. Always.”

He watches as Dan closes his eyes and smiles. He wonders what Dan’s thinking about and wishes he had a way of knowing.

“Yeah, I know my way out.”

Phil blanks. Dan doesn’t sound nearly as happy as he should have for having found a way out of his situation. Phil’s not entirely sure what the situation is, but he’s sure it’s whatever Dan said he’d experienced before.

“The only escape for me is not a happy one.”

Phil tilts his head, confused, before it finally clicks. His face pales as he imagines it. He doesn’t want to imagine it, but he can’t stop his brain from envisioning Dan in a bathtub, Dan at the top of a tall building. He shakes his head. He can’t think of it. He’ll be sick.

“There are other ways, Dan. I promise you.”

He smiles sadly. “I used to think that, too. But when your head’s as clouded as mine is, there isn’t really an escape from the fog. The only option is to stop living in the fog entirely.”

Phil shakes his head. He’s at a loss for words, but he hopes his futile head shakes will change something in Dan’s mind.

“I didn’t always feel like this,” Dan says next. “I was actually a really happy kid. I got my childhood nickname ‘bear’ from _Winnie the Pooh_ , for Christ’s sake. But from my first day at school, I was teased. That escalated to bullying towards the end of primary school. And that escalated to being punched or pushed into my locker in high school. It got worse, every single day. And I saw no escape from the fog. There was no escape then, and there’s no escape now.”

“There is, though. There’s always an escape that isn’t– isn’t _that_. Just think, had you done _that_ back then, we never would have met.”

Dan shakes his head and Phil’s desperate at this point.

“Dan,” he says suddenly. The boy looks up with raw eyes. “I want you to promise me something.”

He looks hesitant, but he eventually nods.

“Promise me that if it ever becomes more than a thought, or that if the thoughts get worse, you’ll tell me or your parents.”

Dan hesitates again. It takes longer to respond, but Phil’s insistent. After a full minute of nothing, Dan very slowly nods before crying again.

“Hey, it’s okay. You don’t need to cry,” Phil says, comforting him the best he can through a video call.

He shakes his head and cracks a smile, which makes Phil feel warm. He’s done something right.

“They’re happy tears, Phil,” he says, wiping them away. “Just– no one’s ever cared about me before.”

“I’m sure they have. They just haven’t said they do.”

Dan shakes his head sadly, but he’s still smiling.

“Thank you for caring about me.”

Phil smiles back. “Of course. I’ll care about you until the day I die. And if there’s an afterlife, I’ll care about you for all of eternity.”

Dan hiccups the last of his tears away.

“We seem to have a lot of these, don’t we?” he asks.

“A lot of what?”

“Heart-to-hearts. The hospital. Our dorm room. When I was in the bath even though that was only text. Now.”

Phil chuckles. “Yeah, I guess we do.”

Dan’s eyes trail away from the screen before falling back on it.

“So, um, I'm about ready to pass out. I’ve kinda cried myself to an early… bedtime.”

“As long as it’s not an early grave,” Phil replies, smiling but the seriousness is still there.

“Of course.”

“You want to say goodnight?” Phil asks.

Dan nods. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow?”

“Yep! Sleep well, Dan,” Phil says, and he means it more tonight than he’s ever meant it before.

“You too, Phil. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

Phil smiles at the camera until the video feed vanishes, leaving just the viewfinder left. He closes skype and sighs.

It’s late at night, but he really needs some comfort. After a conversation like that with anyone, he’d need cuddles. But after a conversation like that with Dan, his _boyfriend_ , he’s in need of cuddles from the best hugger in the world, his mother.

He stands and quietly makes his way to the door. He walks down the hallway to his parents’ bedroom and knocks lightly. He pushes the door open and sees his mum fast asleep. His father is on the night shift and won’t be home until after sunrise. He spares a second to feel guilty for waking her, but he knows she won’t mind.

“Mum,” Phil whispers. She doesn’t stir. He puts his hand on her shoulder to shake her and says her name again. “Mum.” She rolls onto her back and a few seconds later, she’s blinking her eyes open.

“Phil?” she asks, eyes squinting. Her eyes are almost as bad as Phil’s so she can’t see well without glasses either.

“Yeah.”

“What is it, dear?”

“I need cuddles,” he says.

“Has something happened?” she asks, sitting up.

Phil nods. He’s not sure he could explain what just happened right now. He’s emotions are still too high strung.

She pats the bed to find the edge of the sheets and pulls them back.

“Come on in,” she says. As Phil climbs in, she reaches for the bedside table to turn on the lamp and find her glasses.

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asks, shuffling back into bed.

Phil shakes his head, already blinking away tears. She hums, rubbing his arm lightly.

“Well, I’m here if you want me.”

“Thanks, Mum. You’re the best.”

She chuckles. “I try.”

“Sorry for waking you.”

“Not to worry. I know it must be important or else you wouldn’t.” She pauses. “Do you want to sleep in here tonight? Dad won’t be home until morning.”

“Yes please.”

“Go to sleep now, child. I’ll be here when you wake up.”

Phil closes his eyes, feeling his mother’s hand on his arm. It’s easy to relax with her comforting touch and he drifts off quickly.

His dreams are filled with Dan, but that’s almost commonplace at this point. The main difference, though, is that these dreams are not pleasant.

He’s in a city straight out of a dystopian universe where ecological technologies were never developed. There are ten Dan’s. One of them takes his head and leads him to a cliff. Where the Dan vanishes. Another Dan appears behind him, and takes him to a bridge and vanishes. This repeats several more times, each location new and equally disturbing.

Except for the tenth Dan. It smiles, but it’s not a sad smile like the others. It’s a truly happy smile. This Dan takes him along the trash-filled streets until they reach a house. Phil didn’t know it was there at first, which is surprising. It stands out significantly. It has solar panels all along the roof, though Phil’s not sure how well they’d work in the filthy atmosphere of the city.

The Dan takes him inside and leads Phil upstairs. He takes him into the bedroom. It’s Dan’s bedroom. But the walls are black voids, which scares Phil. The Dan tries to lead him towards them, but Phil’s resisting for both himself and the Dan.

“Stop!” he wants to scream. But he realises his mouth is glued shut. So instead, Phil gives a final tug, pulling the Dan into his chest and wrapping his arms around him.

Then the floor falls away, and Phil and this Dan are falling through an endless void.

He gasps as he wakes up, cold sweats covering his forehead. He hears his mother singing downstairs and relaxes. It was a dream. None of it was real.

After pulling the sheets back, Phil climbs out of bed. He closes his eyes so he can remind himself what he just experienced was nothing more than his subconscious playing tricks on him.

“Morning,” Phil says when he gets downstairs.

“How are you?”

Phil shrugs. “Alright, I guess. Had a bad dream.”

She coos. “I’m sorry. Do you want to talk about it?”

Phil shakes his head but answers anyway. “I’m just worried about Dan.”

“What’s wrong with him?”

“He has depression. Well, it’s not diagnosed, but he has basically all of the symptoms. I guess I’m just scared he’s going to hurt himself.”

She stops what she’s doing and gestures for Phil to sit. She sits on the barstool opposite him.

“Phil, dear, have you seen Dan’s arms?” she asks, voice serious and unlike her. She’s the kind of person to see the positive in everything – Phil gets that from her. But Phil knows his worries are serious if even she’s concerned.

“Yes,” Phil says, but he’s quick to continue. “But people can hurt themselves in other ways. Even ways that don’t leave visible marks.”

She nods, not because she understands (Phil’s almost certain she wouldn’t), but because she’s caring.

“I think it’ll be okay in the end,” she says, humming to herself.

“How do you know?”

She smiles. “Mother’s intuition,” she says. “It’ll be okay in the end,” she repeats.

Phil nods and says the words back to himself.

_It’ll be okay in the end._

~~~~

Dan groans and rolls over, blinking his eyes open. The blind is up because he apparently forgot to close it. It lets the sun stream right onto his face and he hates it.

He doesn’t spend long in bed, which is unusual for him at this point. He lays around for ten minutes or so before swinging his legs out of the covers and forcing himself onto his feet.

After adjusting his pyjamas that got a little twisted during his sleep, he checks his phone for the time. It’s just past ten in the morning, which isn’t terrible for him. He briefly debates getting dressed, because he knows he feels better when he does that. But at the same time, he knows there’s no point. He won’t be going anywhere.

“Hi, Mum,” Dan says as he enters the kitchen. She spins and looks at him, but she doesn’t smile for a second.

“Morning. How are you?”

“Tired,” Dan says, “as always.”

She smiles sadly at him. “Perhaps you should work on your sleep-wake cycle. The paper said it’s especially important when days have no structure.”

Dan yawns and sets himself down on the barstool. “Maybe,” he says. He knows he won’t do it but saying that outright is rude.

“Is eggs on toast, okay? I have a grocery delivery coming today but we don’t have much for now.”

“That’s fine, thanks, Mum.”

She sets about the kitchen, cooking the eggs sunny-side up, just how Dan likes them. His breakfast is served not ten minutes later and straight away, his mother sets about cleaning the utensils she used.

“Do you need me to do anything today?” Dan asks so he knows if he can play video games in bed all day.

“Nothing needs done at the moment, thank you. But we are going to meet a friend after lunch, at two.”

Dan frowns at that, both because he hates going outside and because neither of them are supposed to.

“You know we can’t go out, right?”

His mum smiles and pats his cheek. “It’s an essential service. Now eat up.”

So Dan does. He eats his breakfast, silently wondering which friend this is and how it constitutes as an essential service. Once he’s finished, he excuses himself upstairs. He decides he should have a shower and get dressed because if he doesn’t, we won’t be ready to go when they need to leave.

He messages Phil after the shower because he can’t quite believe his mother is making him leave the house in a global pandemic.

_10:35 am – To AmazingPhil: Mum’s making me go out :/_

As he’s getting dressed, his phone pings.

_10:37 pm – From AmazingPhil: Why?_

_10:38 pm – To AmazingPhil: Dunno, she said it’s an essential service tho_

_10:38 pm – From AmazingPhil: Stay safe! And wear a mask!_

_10:39 pm – To AmazingPhil: Don’t have one. Dad refuses to buy them._

_10:39 pm – From AmazingPhil: Uh oh! Well just stay away from people! A scarf or something will help too!_

Dan sighs because he hadn’t even thought of the fact that they didn’t have masks. He’s scared, really, because this virus is still so new and there’s so much that isn’t known about it.

He goes on Tumblr for a while, just to distract himself. He follows a lot of destructive blogs, which probably isn’t good for him, but they make him feel less alone. They make him think he might not be the only one with an industrial city for a mind.

“Dan!” his mum calls from downstairs. Dan pauses his game so he can hear her.

“Yeah?” he calls back.

“Ready to go?” she asks.

Dan confirms he is before saving his game and getting back out of bed.

“Here you go,” she says, handing him a mask.

Dan tilts his head. “Where did you get these? Dad said they were dumb.”

She smiles. “Not everything I do concerns your father. This can be our little secret.”

He nods and puts the mask on, pulling out the hairs that got tangled in the elastic.

It’s a ten-minute drive before they arrive. Dan recognises the place instantly. The medical centre. Dan’s gone to the same doctor since he was born, and she’s always been in this office building.

Dan swallows and looks at his mum. He doesn’t understand.

She smiles and takes his hand, rubbing her thumb back and forth.

“I overheard you last night,” she says.

Dan feels his body sink and he wants to collapse into himself and disappear. He wants to be a black hole consuming itself until either nothing or everything exists all at once.

“Please don’t panic,” she continues quickly, obviously sensing Dan’s clear panic. “I’m not mad,” she adds. “I used to feel the same way as you. I never wanted to– well, _end_ things, but I know where you’re coming from.”

Dan blinks multiple times, trying to clear his brain enough to understand what’s happening right now.

“I’ve booked you an appointment with Dr Shannon’s friend,” his mother pauses, “a psychologist.”

Pulling his hand back, Dan shakes his head.

“No,” he says straight away. “I don’t need to see a shrink.”

She smiles sadly at him, which only makes Dan angrier. He’s not entirely sure when he became angry, but he is now and he’s going to use that anger to make his mother turn the car around and take them both home.

“Thoughts like what you described last night aren’t normal, Dan,” she says calmly. “I don’t want to upset you. I’m just trying to help. Please talk to Shannon’s friend, even if just for me.”

Dan sighs and rolls his eyes. “Fine. But just this once. Don’t you dare book another one.”

His mother looks momentarily scared before nodding. “Of course. If you don’t want another one, we never have to speak of this again.”

“And Dad will never know?” Dan confirms because he’s honestly more scared of his dad finding out that going to that appointment.

“I have some savings from my college fund that I never got to use. He never has to know unless you want him to.”

Dan nods and sighs again. “Okay,” he says, before climbing out of the car.

“I’ll wait here for you,” she says. Dan nods and closes the door.

“I’ve got an appointment for Daniel Howell,” Dan told the receptionist. They’re standing a metre apart and there’s a big plastic board between them.

“Who with?”

Dan realises his mother never told him the psychologist’s name. “Um, I’m not sure.”

The receptionist smiles and types some things.

“Dr Warren?”

“Probably,” Dan says, though it sounds like a question.

“Third door on the right. He won’t be long.”

He nods and makes his way down the corridor, taking a seat right in front of his door.

Five minutes later, an older-looking man opens the door.

“Daniel?”

The man smiles and Dan stands and shoves his phone into his pocket.

“Nice to meet you, come in,” he says, gesturing for Dan to go inside. “I would normally shake your hand but under the circumstances, well,” he says with a small chuckle.

He takes a seat in one of the armchairs and gestures for Dan to sit in the other one, at the opposite end of the room.

“I know this isn’t exactly ideal, I hope you don’t mind.”

Dan shrugs. “It’s alright.”

“Right, well. I’m Mark. What brings you here today?”

Dan eyes up the man’s clipboard sitting on his lap. It looks threatening and Dan’s not entirely sure why.

“If you ever want to see what I’m writing, just ask and I’ll type them up for you. My handwriting is chicken scratch.”

Dan nods and smiles despite feeling a little put-off. The man could tell what Dan was thinking just from him looking at the notepad.

“My mum brought me in.”

“Uh huh. Do you know why?”

“Because she overheard me talking to my– friend, last night.”

“And what did she overhear?”

Dan swallows. “That there’s no way out.”

“You feel like there’s no way out?” he asks.

Dan nods, feeling tears already begin to collect in his eyes. His chest hurts thinking about those feelings.

“That’s okay, we don’t have to talk about those things right now,” he says, comforting. “You said your mum brought you in. Do you live with her?”

~~~~

After the appointment – which involved some tears, Dan’s afraid to admit – he feels a lot better. He’s surprised because he really thought he’d hate it. And while a lot of it was just Mark getting to know him, it still felt nice to talk to someone about his life and have them actually listen.

“How was it?” his mother asks as he climbs into the car.

Dan turns to her and, with tears in his eyes, leans over the center console to give her the biggest hug he can in this position.

“Thank you,” he whispers, voice wet.

She smiles at him. “You’re welcome. I take it it went well, then?”

Dan smiles back and nods. “Yeah. I’d– I’d like to see him again, if that’s okay?”

“Of course,” she says, smiling herself. “I’m glad it went well. I’ll call when we get home and set up an appointment for next week.”

Dan kisses her cheek.

“Thank you, again.”

“I love you, my baby.”

“Love you too, Mum.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think! This chapter was super hard to write so I’d love to see what you think!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so late. I ended up doing a lot of organisation for the new year and didn’t write at all. But here it is!
> 
> I’m also hoping this chapter isn’t incredibly unrealistic; just remember it’s a year later :D
> 
> TW: Mentions of blood and hospitals.

_One year later…_

_Dear students,_

_We’re excited to announce that the University of Manchester campus will be seeing more students studying in person in the second semester of 2021. For more information, please see the ‘Returning to Campus’ webpage._

_Please be advised that remote learning alternatives will be provided wherever possible for students unable to attend classes on-campus._

_We are also excited to announce that UOM’s dorms will be reopening with the return to campus. Rooms will be assigned individually unless two people share a primary residence. Rooms will be allocated on a first come first serve basis with students further from campus receiving priority._

_We hope you are as excited as we are to be returning to UOM’s beautiful campus. If you have any questions, please contact your course coordinator._

_Stay safe,_

_Lemn Sissay_ _  
_ _Chancellor of University of Manchester_

Dan had expected to see anything but that when he opened his email. He feels himself grin as he reads it again to confirm his eyes aren’t playing tricks on him.

He messages Phil next, because he’s not sure his boyfriend knows of the exciting new development.

_10:01 am – To AmazingPhil: WE’RE RETURNING TO CAMPUS NEXT SEMESTER!!!_

Phil’s reply comes a few minutes later.

_10:04 am – From AmazingPhil: Wait really?!_

_10:05 am – To AmazingPhil: Yep! I’m coming to Manchester!_

_10:06 am – From AmazingPhil: Are dorms opening too?_

_10:06 am – To AmazingPhil: One person to a room but people further away get priority so I should get one._

_10:06 am – From AmazingPhil: When do applications open? Better be quick when they do!_

_10:07 am – To AmazingPhil: Yeah, I dunno. Will have to check._

_10:07 am – From AmazingPhil: I’m glad I’ll get to finish on campus :D_

Phil had extended his honours course due to the pandemic. Dan remembers how unsure Phil had been. He was so scared he’d fail but Dan convinced him otherwise. Turns out his therapist wasn’t just helpful for him; it gave him techniques to help Phil challenge his own negative thoughts too.

Ultimately, Phil had decided to do his honours classes over two years so that he had more time to perfect everything he did. Dan admired him for that because he knows he would never let himself, even if his dad did.

_10:07 am – To AmazingPhil: Yea!_

_10:08 am – To AmazingPhil: Oh my god!_

_10:08 am – To AmazingPhil: I’ll get to see you in a few months!!!!_

_10:09 am – From AmazingPhil: Oh my god!! So exciting!_

Dan grins wide as he looks at his phone. His chest is tight right now but in a good way. In the ‘I’m so happy I can’t breathe’ way. His cheeks hurt from smiling too much, and it’s a feeling Dan’s gotten more and more used to over the past year.

~~~~

_Two months later…_

Dan’s all packed up and ready to go. He’s got a new suitcase now because he showed his dad how janky his old one was. At least this time Dan doesn’t have to worry about it bursting open.

“You ready?” Dan’s mum asks, standing by the doorway next to her husband.

Dan’s dad has changed a lot this past year. He’s still got some backwards views, but he’s a lot better than he was. And all it took was a near-death experience from Dan’s mum.

_“Mum?” Dan calls throughout the house, knowing his dad’s not home yet. “Mum?” he calls again when he hears no reply._

_Dan sighs and gets up to go into the kitchen, knowing she’s in there preparing dinner._

_“Mum?” Dan calls again when he sees she isn’t there._

_He glances around and notices a red mark on the floor. He quickly does a double-take as he realises it’s blood._

_“Mum!” he shouts, rushing around the counter to see her lying on the ground, blood coming out of her forehead. “Oh god,” he says quietly, before catching up with what’s going on and running to grab his phone._

_He dials emergency services as he grabs a tea towel from the draw and holds it to her head._

_“Nine-nine-nine. What’s your emergency?” the responder asks, voice calm and clear._

_“My mum’s unconscious and bleeding.”_

_“Is she breathing?” she asks immediately._

_Dan chokes up a bit at the question but checks and sighs in relief. “Yes.”_

_“Okay. What’s your address, Sir?”_

_Dan gives the lady the address and she says she’s sending an ambulance._

_“Stay on the phone,” she says next. “Where is she bleeding?”_

_“On her forehead. I think she hit it when she fell.”_

_“Is she bleeding anywhere else?”_

_Dan gave her a quick once over. “Not that I can tell.”_

_“Okay, thank you. Now, do you know the recovery position?”_

_He racks his brain. “Like when they’re on their side?” Dan asks._

_“Yes. Can you put your mother in that position for me? You can put your phone down and on speaker if you need to.”_

_Dan does as she says and puts his phone down. He takes the blood-soaked towel away and rolls her onto her side._

_“Okay, done,” Dan says once he’s finished._

_“Good job. Can you check again if she’s breathing, please?”_

_“She is,” Dan says after checking. “Should I hold a towel to her head still?”_

_“Yes, that will help. Apply pressure but do not push against her head as it could make any potential head injuries worse.”_

_“When will the ambulance get here?”_

_“They shouldn’t be long now.”_

_“Your wife passed out due to severe exhaustion,” the doctor tells Dan’s dad hours later. “She very likely would not have survived had your son not found her when he did.”_

_Dan sees his dad swallow hard. “Do you know what made her collapse?” he asks._

_“She was dehydrated and slightly malnourished. We do not know the reason why though. Currently, we have her IV injecting fluids and electrolytes into her body. She should wake up soon.”_

_When his mum wakes up, she has to talk to the doctors in private. After that, she tells Dan and his dad what happened._

_“I was so busy with everything, I just forgot to eat or drink. I needed to have the house ready for when you got home.”_

_Dan’s dad looks fearful when she says this._

_“You mean to say this is my fault?” he asks, but his voice isn’t his usual rough one._

_Now it’s Dan’s mum’s turn to look afraid._

_“No no, not at all,” she says quickly. “It’s my fault, I was silly.”_

_“But if it weren’t for me, you would have remembered to eat and drink.”_

_Dan’s mum looks down and away._

_“I’m sorry,” he says then, and Dan’s dad never apologises, not sincerely anyway. Dan’s mum looks shocked. “Can you excuse us a moment, Dan?” he asks then. Dan nods and leaves the room._

_Dan’s mum filled him in once they got home. They were going to go to couple’s therapy in hopes of helping his father be less strict and his mother be more willing to share her experiences._

“We’re here,” Dan’s mum says as his dad parks the car.

“We are,” Dan confirms, looking out of the window at the train station.

Dan pulls on his mask as his mum does the same. He’s not too worried that his Dad isn’t wearing one. Everything is fairly under control, which is why universities can open again. Most people don’t wear masks but Dan and his mum choose to because they think there’s no reason not to.

Dan’s dad grabs the suitcase out of the trunk and passes them to Dan.

“What time is your train again?”

“Just after ten,” Dan answers. “We’ve got plenty of time.”

Dan’s dad locks the car and offers his hand to Dan’s mum, who accepts it. They’ve been a lot more couple-y since they started therapy which is both gross because they’re Dan’s parents and sweet because Dan can’t remember a time they were like this.

They head inside and towards the turnstiles.

“You’ve got the money for lunch, yes?” his mother asks.

Dan nods and pats his pocket. “Right here.”

“Okay. Well, we’ll see you when you come back home.”

“Yeah,” Dan answers.

“Enjoy your time there, Dan.”

Dan closes his eyes briefly and smiles. “I will.”

_“Dad?” Dan says, getting his father’s attention. The man’s been in a good mood most days he comes home now, but Dan’s still cautious every time he approaches him. Years of conditioning tends to do that to a person._

_“Yes?”_

_“I wanted to talk to you.” Dan notices he’s rocking back and forth, a nervous habit, and stops immediately because it annoys his Dad._

_When Dan doesn’t continue, his father says, “Go on.”_

_He swallows hard and takes a deep breath. “I don’t want to study law.”_

_Dan’s mum comes in right then which Dan is half-thankful for because she will help him stay less angry._

_And he does look angry._

_“We’ve talked about this,” he says in a way that sounds so final that Dan just wants to wave a white flag and retreat to his room. He doesn’t, though, because this is important to him. And he’s learnt a lot about fighting for what’s important._

_“I know. But I’m not happy studying law. I don’t want to be a lawyer. I would be miserable.”_

_Dan’s mum looks at him with sad eyes and Dan reminds himself_ she knows _and while it’s still a scary thought, it’s nice to have someone who wants to help him be happy._

_“Well, what do you want to study then? If it’s respectable I might let–”_

_“Writing,” Dan says, interrupting his father. He knew his father wouldn’t be happy but it’s his life. He has to do what he thinks will be best for himself._

_“Writing?” Dan nods. “Like writing textbooks or transcribing important meetings?”_

_Dan winces. “Like, creative writing. Prose.”_

_His mum puts her hand on his shoulder and sits next to him, taking his hand._

_“Like you used to write with Nana?” she asks._

_Dan nods. “Yeah. It’s my passion.”_

_“Will it be a stable career option?” his father asks next._

_“Not exactly,” Dan answers. “I won’t know how much I will get for my books. And it’ll be a slow start. But it’s something I really want to do, even if I need another job to make enough for a while.”_

_His father nods. “I want you to have a successful career,” he says._

_Dan’s head drops and he nods slowly. He knows he shouldn’t have expected otherwise but he really hoped his father would understand that studying law is his own personal form of hell._

_“But,” he says next, “I understand law may not be for everyone.”_

_Dan blinks, surprised by his dad’s words._

_“You may change course if that is what you desire.” He pauses, sighing and looking at his wife for a second. “I will support you. You are my only son and I don’t want you to end up on the streets.”_

_Dan smiles, ready to give his dad a big hug – which doesn’t happen often – and thank you._

_“But,” he adds before Dan can move, “you cannot come grovelling back. Your degree is your choice but I do not want you living in my house at forty because you chose an unstable career path. If you truly believe you can be a professional author, then go ahead. But you need to have a good, long think about this and make the right decision, okay?”_

_Dan nods and is, in all honesty, close to tears. “Thank you, Dad. Thank you.”_

_He nods, clearly unsure how to respond to that. “Let me know when you decide,” he says._

_Dan confirms that he will and then makes a quick exit, not wanting his father to have an opportunity to change his mind._

_“Thank you,” he hears Dan’s mum say just after he leaves._

_“I know you think I’m too strict and Charlotte probably does, too, but I do actually just want what’s best for him.”_

_Dan hears a kiss. “I know. And thank you for understanding about his therapy. It’s really helped him. He’s told me so and I can see the difference.”_

_Dan’s eyes widen. Dan’s mum had promised she wouldn’t tell him. Dan feels his chest tighten as he waits for a reply but there is none. He scurries up the stairs and into his room, certain he wasn’t supposed to have overheard that conversation._

“You should bring Phil next time you come home,” his mother says. Dan hasn’t talked about him much because of his father, but Dan had mentioned his name when she asked.

Dan swallows and looks to his Dad, waiting for him to say it’s a terrible idea. He doesn’t though. Instead, he smiles at Dan and pats his shoulder.

“You should,” he says, which leaves Dan more surprised than he’s ever been in his whole life. He knows his dad’s been working on things but no one can change their core beliefs with a year of therapy.

“Oh, uh, maybe,” Dan says, mostly because he’s too shocked to really understand what’s happening.

“You better get going now,” his mother says then, gesturing to her watch.

“I’ll visit soon.”

“Not too soon, I hope,” she says with a chuckle. “Now off you pop.”

Dan nods and goes though the turn gates. He waves at his parents as he turns the corner and then he’s on his own again.

He buys a sandwich for lunch and packs it into his backpack.

_9:57 am – From AmazingPhil: On the train yet?_

_9:57 am – To AmazingPhil: 5 mins :D_

_9:58 am – From AmazingPhil: YAY!_

They talk the whole train ride. Well, most of it. There are long chunks where Dan’s phone is out of range but they talk whenever they can.

Phil’s meeting him at the train station and Dan’s beyond excited to see him.

Dan’s honestly surprised they lasted the whole year, especially when they haven’t seen each other in person at all. Not to mention how new the relationship had been to both of them when quarantine started. But Phil seemed to understand and didn’t mind. He seemed – and still seems – genuinely interested in what Dan does each day and Dan cares about what Phil’s up to, even if he spends most of his time talking about his newest plant children.

_1:24 pm – To AmazingPhil: One more stop!_

_1:24 pm – From AmazingPhil: :DDD_

Five minutes later, Dan pulls his suitcases off of the overhead racks and makes his way to the carriage doors. Two minutes after that, the train pulls to a stop.

“Current stop: Manchester Piccadilly station.”

Dan steps off the train and follows the crowd towards the exit. Once through the turnstiles, he immediately spots Phil, who hasn’t seen him yet.

He heads over to Phil, grinning in excitement. It’s been well over a year since they’ve actually seen each other in person.

“Dan!” Phil says excitedly once he spots Dan.

“Hi!” Dan says, equally excited, though for a different reason. He pulls his mask off as he’s walking closer to Phil, knowing it’s pretty safe to do so.

Once he’s standing in front of Phil, he grabs his face and pulls Phil’s mask off too. Within seconds, he’s pulling Phil in for a kiss. Phil is still for a second before he wraps his arms around Dan and reciprocates.

“That was unexpected,” Phil says, laughing, as he pulls away. He takes his mask when Dan offers it to him.

“But not unwanted, right?” Dan asks, suddenly worried his plan had been a terrible idea.

“Definitely not unwanted,” Phil confirms before Dan’s thoughts can get too out-of-control.

Phil pulls him in for a hug and Dan wraps his arms around Phil, feeling content just standing in a busy train station with hundreds of strangers walking around.

They put their masks back on and Phil takes one of Dan’s suitcases.

“Let’s go,” he says, leading Dan out of the station.

Phil pushes the door open for Dan to walk through. It’s a different block to the one they were in the first time.

“Daniel James Howell,” Dan tells the assistant.

“Bachelor of arts in creative writing?” she asks. Dan feels far happier hearing her say it than he did when last year’s assistant confirmed his law course.

“That’s me.”

“Okay. It says here you stayed in dorms last year but as a refresh, dorms are labelled by floor and then room number. You’re in room G02 so the second room on this floor.”

Dan smiles at that, thankful he won’t have to walk up two flights of stairs multiple times a day. It may have been good for his health but he absolutely hated it.

“Thank you,” he says as he takes the key she offers him.

“And here’s your pamphlet. There are quite a few changes from the one you would have got last year so be sure to have a read of it.”

Dan accepts the pamphlet even though he read it in the email they sent confirming his dorm room status. After that, they head towards his Dan’s room together and he unlocks it.

“How is this room bigger than the one we had to share?” Phil asks, wheeling the suitcase in behind him.

“I have no idea,” Dan answers, laughing. “The bed is better than I remember too,” he adds after he sits down.

“Well, I was gonna say I won’t miss dorm life but this place looks better than the flat.”

Dan smiles at his boyfriend. Phil hadn’t got a dorm room for his last semester, likely because he was so close to the campus. After Phil had found that out, he’d immediately started looking for a flat to call his own. He didn’t want to stay with his parents for too much longer as he was almost done with his degree.

“You’ll have to show it to me sometime,” Dan says, pulling his mask off since it’s just Phil and him now. He knows Phil’s been isolating properly and so has Dan so there’s a very small risk that either of them are sick. Phil takes his off too.

“Yeah, definitely. If I get it, anyway.”

They unpack then. Phil puts on some Muse quietly in the background but they spend most of the next few hours talking about anything at all. Dan’s always surprised about how easily conversation flows between them. He remembers wondering how any couple could spend hours talking about nothing but he understands now. It’s so simple and easy and enjoyable to just spend time in the presence of someone you care about.

Once they’re finished, they settle on Dan’s newly made bed. They aren’t supposed to – Dan’s not supposed to have any guests – but they decide to ignore the rules in favour of cuddling. They haven’t in over a year and they’re both in need of some physical contact. Besides, they’ll be seeing each other a lot more now that they’re in the same city.

Dan puts on a movie for them to watch but neither of them really pay attention. They talk a lot. And then they kiss a lot. And then Dan’s shoving his laptop away and climbing over Phil to continue their kiss.

“Can I?” Phil asks, pulling lightly on the hem of Dan’s shirt.

Dan nods and sits up to pull his shirt off before leaning back down to kiss Phil some more.

~~~~

Phil blinks his eyes open and then instantly squints. The sun’s shining right onto his face through the window. He looks down, noticing Dan fast asleep on his chest. His bare chest. He quickly remembers what they did the day before, or, more specifically, what they didn’t do.

_“No,” Dan whispers, grabbing onto Phil’s forearm. Phil looks into his eyes and sees the fear there._

_“Sorry,” Phil replies quickly, already pulling his hand back up from Dan’s waist._

_Dan sits back so that he isn’t touching Phil at all. Phil lets him._

_“I’m sorry,” Dan says, ignoring Phil’s apology. “I– I want to, but I can’t.”_

_“Because you’re still scared?” Phil asks, feeling a little hurt. He knows how hard it can be to overcome your own thoughts but he really thought Dan had by now._

_Dan shakes his head. “I mean, yeah. But not because of that. I’ve never– I– I’m still a virgin,” Dan stutters out._

_Phil blinks. “Oh,” he says before internally slapping himself. “I mean, that’s okay. Nothing to be ashamed of. We can wait until you’re ready, okay?”_

_Dan nods. “Thank you.”_

Phil is pulled out of his thoughts by Dan stirring.

“Morning,” he grumbles and Phil smiles at the sound of his morning voice. He hasn’t heard it much, and when he has in the past, it was before he really cared about hearing it.

“Morning,” Phil replies, voice a little less rough than Dan’s.

“What time is it?” Dan asks, snuggling into Phil further.

Phil laughs but picks up his phone. “Half-past nine.”

“Too early.”

“Nope. I’m hungry. Up you get,” Phil says, pushing Dan lightly. The boy just holds on tighter, squeezing Phil.

“No,” he says, trying to be final.

“Yes.”

“No.”

“Yes or I won’t cuddle with you later.”

“No because I’m cuddling you right now.”

Phil rolls his eyes and then wraps his arms around Dan’s torso, yanking the boy up.

“Good morning,” he says, grinning at Dan’s sour face.

“I hate you,” he mumbles, making Phil laugh.

“Come on,” Phil says instead of acknowledging Dan. “I want pancakes.”

Dan begrudgingly gets dressed and Phil leads them downstairs and over to the café-restaurant across the street.

Once they order, they find a booth to sit at.

“So turns out you didn’t actually have to be scared of your dad this whole time,” Phil says in passing because it was on his mind.

Dan scoffs, getting Phil’s attention. “Yes, I did. It’s a fucking miracle it went so well. It very easily could have ended with me being homeless.”

“You wouldn’t have been homeless. You could have come lived with me and my parents if it went that badly. They haven’t even met you and they love you almost as much as I do.”

“Here are your breakfasts, enjoy,” the waitress says, putting their plates in front of them.

“Thank you,” Phil says. Dan stays quiet but smiles at her.

It’s silent for a few seconds until Phil notices Dan’s blushing.

“What happened?” he asks, teasing.

“Just– that was the first time we used the l-word.”

Phil laughs. “You can say it, you know,” he says, smiling. “Besides, I’ve loved you since the start of quarantine. I didn’t say anything though because I didn’t want to ruin our relationship and I knew how new it all was to you.”

“Oh,” he says, blushing harder. “Thank you.”

“Of course.”

There’s a pause and then Dan clears his throat.

He looks at Phil and smiles. “I love you too, dork.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, it feels so weird for this to be finished but I’m also super excited to work on my next project!


End file.
